Happy Anniversary

Dear Eric,

Happy Anniversary. It feels weird that you aren't here to say it back. This morning when I got out of bed, an earplug fell by my feet. I haven't worn earplugs since I've lived here. I take it as a sign you are with me. I know you are watching over me, guiding me, and keeping me safe.

Fall has always been my favorite season. That's why I chose a fall wedding. Ours was beautiful. Perfect in every way. I haven't been as excited for fall this year as I usually am. This year, fall marks yet another month you have been gone, and another season you will miss. I will always remember September 28, 2007 as the day you made me the happiest woman in the world. The day you made me your wife. Today is no exception. I have been kind of dreading this day because I knew I would be alone, no husband to celebrate our anniversary with. I can't really "celebrate" anymore, because its not really a celebration unless you're here.

It sucks feeling like I started something with you I will never get to finish. There are so many couples around me whose marriages are falling apart, or women who complain about their husbands. I just want to shake them and remind them how lucky they are to have found someone who vowed to spend the rest of their days with them. For most, that's a once-in-a-lifetime thing. For me at least. I will never get married again. I will never NOT be Mrs. Coston.

Happy Anniversary babe.

Love Always,
your babygirl


the "traditional" gift for 4 years of marriage is plants or flowers. Happy Anniversary my love. I hope your soul is at ease~

its been awhile

Dear Eric,

It's been awhile since I've written. I've been keeping myself pretty busy. I was in Las Vegas for six weeks hanging out and planning Desi's baby shower. It was a huge success. I was having a hard time feeling creative but once I got the ball rolling, the ideas kept flowing. It was hands down the best party I've ever thrown, with the exception of your surprise 40th birthday party.

Last weekend was Labor Day Weekend and I invited Jake & Lindsey and the kids and a few other friends to my mom's place for a beach day and barbecue. We had a great time but, like always, I kept thinking how much I wished you were there. I always feel your presence though. Also over the weekend there were some fires in Steiner Ranch. 25 homes less than a mile from our house were destroyed in the fire, and another 20 were damaged. I just wanted to tell you so bad. I hate that I can't pick up the phone, or walk into the next room and see you. I think about your touch, your smile, your hugs, your laugh. Its killing me inside. Everyone says, "your'e so strong." And I just think to myself, "Yeah- on the outside. On the inside I'm falling the fuck apart."

This week I started working again. I've been going in & helping Matt at his warehouse. I need the money, but I don't know how much longer I can continue working there. Its hard being there, in the place you helped build, in the place we used to work at together. It just brings back so many memories. Not that the memories aren't good, its just hard and I kind of feel like a fresh start might be better suited for me right now. Theres a few new people working there, one of them is this girl Stephanie who is really cool and super nice. She had no idea who I was, who you are, or what my story is. But she said she picks up on people's energy really quickly and that my energy was "solemn and reserved." She also said that she sensed that I also have a good energy around me, that maybe I have a guardian angel. How did she know that?! I like her. As you know, I pick up on people's energy and vibes right away too. You always told me, if you have a feeling about someone or something, it always turns out to be true, and that I needed to speak up because you were always so quick to trust people who weren't deserving. I hated hearing that my energy is solemn. I HATE it. I know I put it out there, and that I basically have no control over it. I feel like my energy is usually positive, uplifting, and peaceful. I don't want to be the Debbie Downer in the room. I know those types of people are so draining to be around. How can I get out of this funk? Its true though, I must admit, I have been feeling depressed lately. I still feel sad about your death. I will never NOT feel sad about it. But at some times, its easier to talk about and accept. And at other times, I just can NOT comprehend it AT ALL. Sometimes I see someone that looks like you, and I have to fight the urge to call your name. I still feel like one day I will run into you while I'm at the grocery store, or out walking Max. We walked down our old street the other day. We walked on the opposite side of the house, and I don't think Max recognized it. I ran into Steve, our old neighbor on Sunday on Main Street. He had to put Betcher down, his German Shepard. He was so old and weak. Makes me sad. He got a new all-black German Shepard thats so sweet though. He asked how I was, and told me to keep smiling. What a great neighbor he was. Speaking of neighbors, I have been hanging out with this girl Amanda, and her boyfriend Joseph quite a bit. They live across the street from my mom's. I always think about how great you & him would get along. He's a Steeler's fan too! They watch UFC and they love Joe Rogan, sports, and music. It just makes me so sad that I am making all these great new memories without you. I know that you want me to be happy and live my life to the fullest, so that's what I'm trying to do. I even started a bucket list. You never made a bucket list, but I'm pretty sure you did most of the things you wanted to do. Because if you wanted something, you did it! No matter what anyone says! Hey, I was thinking about spreading some of your ashes in Brazil, how would you feel about that? It looks so beautiful there, and I don't know why, but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Let me know, k?

Love and miss you.

Love Always,
your babygirl~

Fernando Beach Brazil

dreams

Dear Eric,

I think its time to go back to therapy. I have been having nightmares again. Every time you are in my dreams, its never good. Like I can't just have a happy dream with you in it. Whenever I see you in my dreams, I am telling you that you are dead, and you won't believe me. I have to CONVINCE you. And last night in my dream, I actually saw your face. We were kind of arguing, and I was yelling at you that you are dead. Its so weird, and then I wake up and feel like "what the hell just happened?" Why am I having to explain to YOU that YOU are dead?

Maybe its my own mind trying to explain it to myself.

Love Always,
your babygirl~

Sunday

Dear Eric,

Today was probably one of the best Sunday's I've had in awhile. Since you died on a Sunday, I was pretty sure I would never be able to enjoy that day of the week ever again. But, as time goes on, I am starting to find a little more peace and acceptance of the situation I have found myself in. I try to keep myself busy and surrounded by nature, beauty, and fun, positive people, especially on the weekends when I tend to get lonely.

Finding myself at almost 30 years old and having to essentially start my life all over again from scratch has left me feeling helpless. Not to mention I don't have the one person in my life who helped steer me in the right direction whenever I needed guidance. The day you died, you took so much more than you. You took our future, our life, our plans, and half of me. Half of my heart, half of my soul, and half of "we." Now I am left with nothing, with nowhere to go, and my head spins at the thought of "where do I go from here?"

Today though, was one of those days where I found myself feeling peaceful, basking in the sun, running through the sand, smiling, laughing, and playing on the beach with company you would have enjoyed. I am making a lot of new friends. I wish you were here to meet them. I always think to myself, "Eric would totally get along with them." And I feel sad they will never get to know you, the man I was so proud to call my husband.

I hope that, wherever you are, that you are looking down on me, happy and smiling. I hope I am making you proud, because that's all I ever wanted to do. Because that's what you always did for me. And so much more.

I know you wouldn't want me to hate Sundays, because that was always our favorite day. It was hard for me at first, but I am really trying to love things again, the way I know you would have wanted me to. I hope I'm doing right by you.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


Beach Sundays with your best friend

random thoughts

Dear Eric,

I drove by our old apartment today. Someone is renting it. I saw a surfboard leaning up against the window, so I guess its okay, since they are probably cool. I don't know why it bothered me so much to see that someone else had moved in. Maybe because it was the last place we shared together; the place where you died. To think that I will be living alone from this point forward makes no sense to me. Its like I am moving backwards in life. I am completely lost without you. You were my compass.

Today I took Max to the dog beach. He played and swam until he had swallowed so much sea water he was throwing up. When we got home I started running his bath water, and guess what?! He jumped right in, on his own! Oh, I wanted to tell you so bad! Remember how much he used to HATE baths?! He would hide when someone would turn the shower on. And today he just hopped right in, what a trip. Its moments like these that I miss you so much it pains me, literally.

Tomorrow is Pub Crawl. I can't believe this is the 8th year! Remember we went to the 2nd and 3rd together! We always had a great time, and some of my favorite memories are from those trips. It definitely wont be the same without you, although I went alone last year also, because you didn't want to go. Its different this time though.

For some reason, I keep imagining what our reunion will be like. I keep picturing myself bumping into you on the street. I visualize what you look like, what your reaction is to seeing me, and mine to yours. It haunts me. Does my subconscious think you aren't dead? Am I stuck in this daydream? Its like my mind somehow thinks you are just wandering around Seal Beach, looking for me. I know its not true, but I wish it was.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


our first pub crawl ♥

Austin and the Fourth of July

Dear Eric,

The past few weeks have been so busy. Can you believe it's already July and the year is already half over? It's been 5 months since you died. It feels like forever. I replay that day I found you over and over in my head. Will that ever go away?

Austin was good. The trip was a lot better than I could have expected, even though I had to fight the urge to keep calling you and tell you about stuff. I can't believe it has been almost 3 years since we moved from there. I stayed with Terra the first half of the trip and we hit the lake, floated the river, went downtown and partied. We had a good time doin what we do best - being HAM's. Sencond half of my trip I stayed with the Bighearts. We went to all our favorite Tex-Mex restaurants, the Alamo, and my last night, they made ham dinner. Everyone from the neighborhood came, and some softball peeps. It was so awesome. I wished you could have been there to enjoy it with us, but I know you were there in spirit. Earlier that day, Jen, Lance and I took some of your ashes and scattered them on Lake Austin. They shimmered and glistened in the water as the current took you downstream. It was really very beautiful. Now you will never have to miss the lake again babe.

The 4th of July weekend was pretty good. Desi & Matt came here with Murphy and stayed here at my mom's. We hung out at the beach a lot, and made some awesome dinners. 4th of July we made your favorite - Alaskan king crab legs. I remember how you would always crack mine for me, and pull out the meat for me so I could eat, before you even touched your own. You were so good to me. Matt had bought some illegal fireworks in Pahrump, and we tried setting them off, but we couldn't find a place where they weren't prohibited. The actual 4th was pretty hard. Dez & Matt left and I was alone, and made plans to go out, but everyone flaked. Another harsh reality check of how you can't depend on others to come through when you need them. I could always count on you though. Something I guess I took for granted. Anyway, I got really emotional remembering how we used to celebrate the 4th together, doing fun stuff, and remembering 4th of July's in the past - 2009 being the most memorable. That was the best weekend ever. I ended up crying myself to sleep, missing the fireworks on purpose. I guess I don't feel right celebrating without you. Maybe I never will. I know the next few months are going to be hard too - our anniversary, your birthday, the birth of my niece, and of course the holidays. Not really looking forward to any of it, because I know I will be alone without you.

Missing you every minute of every day. This never gets any easier.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


you and Drew ~ 4th of July 2009 on Lake Travis


you & I ~ 4th of July 2009 Lake Travis

can you die of a broken heart?

Dear Eric,

Its 3:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. I feel scared. Scared to go to sleep because I'm afraid I won't wake up. I'm not scared of death. I actually welcome it. I'm scared of my mom or someone else having to find me in the condition I found you in. I'm scared to leave Max here alone and no one to take care of him. I'm scared I will never get to meet my niece and how it would affect my sister. I'm scared of what it would do to my family, as I have already placed a huge burden on them already with my grief and sadness.

Over the past few months, I have been having chest pains, which seem to be getting worse over the last couple weeks, and even worse the last few days. I can actually feel my heart slowing down and skipping beats, which causes me to gasp for my breath. I'm also having digestive issues and stomach problems. Like stabbing pains in my stomach. I literally feel like I am going to die.

Can you die of a broken heart?

Love Always,
your babygirl~