Last weekend was Mother's Day. It was also your mom's birthday. I can't even imagine how she must have felt, not being able to hear the voice of her only son on Mother's Day. I got her a card, but wasn't able to find the right words, so I didn't give it to her. I did get her a nice gift though. I bought her a beautiful gold locket and put two pictures of you in it - a baby picture and a recent one. She loved it.
I have been missing you so much. Right now I'm at my mom's in Vegas and I opened the suitcases that have your clothes in them. Seeing your stuff literally reduced me down to nothing. I don't know what it is about your clothes & shoes that makes it so hard for me. I guess its because they are the things you wore on your body. The body I will never get to see again. The body I will never get to feel or touch again. I just still can't believe you are gone forever.
I still can't get the image out of my head of you laying on the beanbag, cold and blue. Laying there for 2 days before I found you. I still feel so guilty about not being there. You were in such a low place when I left for Vegas that week. I don't know why I left you, knowing how down you were. You said you were okay. I just wish I would have known, so I could have done something. Every day, I think to myself, "what if I would have come home sooner?" Would you still be here? What could I have done? I just can't wrap my head around this whole thing.
This week I'm going to Florida with my sister to see Gram. I know how much she loves you and you loved her. She always talks about how handsome you are and what a kind and gentle soul you have. I am looking forward to seeing her and spending some time down there. I think it will be good for me to get away for awhile.
I hope wherever you are in the world, that you have found some peace. I hope you are watching over me and guiding me in the right direction. I have no idea where I'm going or where I'm headed. I have always followed you, so now I'm lost without you. Help me babe, I know you can hear me.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
Mother's Day Locket
