Dear Eric,
I think its time to go back to therapy. I have been having nightmares again. Every time you are in my dreams, its never good. Like I can't just have a happy dream with you in it. Whenever I see you in my dreams, I am telling you that you are dead, and you won't believe me. I have to CONVINCE you. And last night in my dream, I actually saw your face. We were kind of arguing, and I was yelling at you that you are dead. Its so weird, and then I wake up and feel like "what the hell just happened?" Why am I having to explain to YOU that YOU are dead?
Maybe its my own mind trying to explain it to myself.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Sunday
Dear Eric,
Today was probably one of the best Sunday's I've had in awhile. Since you died on a Sunday, I was pretty sure I would never be able to enjoy that day of the week ever again. But, as time goes on, I am starting to find a little more peace and acceptance of the situation I have found myself in. I try to keep myself busy and surrounded by nature, beauty, and fun, positive people, especially on the weekends when I tend to get lonely.
Finding myself at almost 30 years old and having to essentially start my life all over again from scratch has left me feeling helpless. Not to mention I don't have the one person in my life who helped steer me in the right direction whenever I needed guidance. The day you died, you took so much more than you. You took our future, our life, our plans, and half of me. Half of my heart, half of my soul, and half of "we." Now I am left with nothing, with nowhere to go, and my head spins at the thought of "where do I go from here?"
Today though, was one of those days where I found myself feeling peaceful, basking in the sun, running through the sand, smiling, laughing, and playing on the beach with company you would have enjoyed. I am making a lot of new friends. I wish you were here to meet them. I always think to myself, "Eric would totally get along with them." And I feel sad they will never get to know you, the man I was so proud to call my husband.
I hope that, wherever you are, that you are looking down on me, happy and smiling. I hope I am making you proud, because that's all I ever wanted to do. Because that's what you always did for me. And so much more.
I know you wouldn't want me to hate Sundays, because that was always our favorite day. It was hard for me at first, but I am really trying to love things again, the way I know you would have wanted me to. I hope I'm doing right by you.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
Beach Sundays with your best friend
Today was probably one of the best Sunday's I've had in awhile. Since you died on a Sunday, I was pretty sure I would never be able to enjoy that day of the week ever again. But, as time goes on, I am starting to find a little more peace and acceptance of the situation I have found myself in. I try to keep myself busy and surrounded by nature, beauty, and fun, positive people, especially on the weekends when I tend to get lonely.
Finding myself at almost 30 years old and having to essentially start my life all over again from scratch has left me feeling helpless. Not to mention I don't have the one person in my life who helped steer me in the right direction whenever I needed guidance. The day you died, you took so much more than you. You took our future, our life, our plans, and half of me. Half of my heart, half of my soul, and half of "we." Now I am left with nothing, with nowhere to go, and my head spins at the thought of "where do I go from here?"
Today though, was one of those days where I found myself feeling peaceful, basking in the sun, running through the sand, smiling, laughing, and playing on the beach with company you would have enjoyed. I am making a lot of new friends. I wish you were here to meet them. I always think to myself, "Eric would totally get along with them." And I feel sad they will never get to know you, the man I was so proud to call my husband.
I hope that, wherever you are, that you are looking down on me, happy and smiling. I hope I am making you proud, because that's all I ever wanted to do. Because that's what you always did for me. And so much more.
I know you wouldn't want me to hate Sundays, because that was always our favorite day. It was hard for me at first, but I am really trying to love things again, the way I know you would have wanted me to. I hope I'm doing right by you.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
Beach Sundays with your best friend
Friday, July 8, 2011
random thoughts
Dear Eric,
I drove by our old apartment today. Someone is renting it. I saw a surfboard leaning up against the window, so I guess its okay, since they are probably cool. I don't know why it bothered me so much to see that someone else had moved in. Maybe because it was the last place we shared together; the place where you died. To think that I will be living alone from this point forward makes no sense to me. Its like I am moving backwards in life. I am completely lost without you. You were my compass.
Today I took Max to the dog beach. He played and swam until he had swallowed so much sea water he was throwing up. When we got home I started running his bath water, and guess what?! He jumped right in, on his own! Oh, I wanted to tell you so bad! Remember how much he used to HATE baths?! He would hide when someone would turn the shower on. And today he just hopped right in, what a trip. Its moments like these that I miss you so much it pains me, literally.
Tomorrow is Pub Crawl. I can't believe this is the 8th year! Remember we went to the 2nd and 3rd together! We always had a great time, and some of my favorite memories are from those trips. It definitely wont be the same without you, although I went alone last year also, because you didn't want to go. Its different this time though.
For some reason, I keep imagining what our reunion will be like. I keep picturing myself bumping into you on the street. I visualize what you look like, what your reaction is to seeing me, and mine to yours. It haunts me. Does my subconscious think you aren't dead? Am I stuck in this daydream? Its like my mind somehow thinks you are just wandering around Seal Beach, looking for me. I know its not true, but I wish it was.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
our first pub crawl ♥
I drove by our old apartment today. Someone is renting it. I saw a surfboard leaning up against the window, so I guess its okay, since they are probably cool. I don't know why it bothered me so much to see that someone else had moved in. Maybe because it was the last place we shared together; the place where you died. To think that I will be living alone from this point forward makes no sense to me. Its like I am moving backwards in life. I am completely lost without you. You were my compass.
Today I took Max to the dog beach. He played and swam until he had swallowed so much sea water he was throwing up. When we got home I started running his bath water, and guess what?! He jumped right in, on his own! Oh, I wanted to tell you so bad! Remember how much he used to HATE baths?! He would hide when someone would turn the shower on. And today he just hopped right in, what a trip. Its moments like these that I miss you so much it pains me, literally.
Tomorrow is Pub Crawl. I can't believe this is the 8th year! Remember we went to the 2nd and 3rd together! We always had a great time, and some of my favorite memories are from those trips. It definitely wont be the same without you, although I went alone last year also, because you didn't want to go. Its different this time though.
For some reason, I keep imagining what our reunion will be like. I keep picturing myself bumping into you on the street. I visualize what you look like, what your reaction is to seeing me, and mine to yours. It haunts me. Does my subconscious think you aren't dead? Am I stuck in this daydream? Its like my mind somehow thinks you are just wandering around Seal Beach, looking for me. I know its not true, but I wish it was.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
our first pub crawl ♥
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Austin and the Fourth of July
Dear Eric,
The past few weeks have been so busy. Can you believe it's already July and the year is already half over? It's been 5 months since you died. It feels like forever. I replay that day I found you over and over in my head. Will that ever go away?
Austin was good. The trip was a lot better than I could have expected, even though I had to fight the urge to keep calling you and tell you about stuff. I can't believe it has been almost 3 years since we moved from there. I stayed with Terra the first half of the trip and we hit the lake, floated the river, went downtown and partied. We had a good time doin what we do best - being HAM's. Sencond half of my trip I stayed with the Bighearts. We went to all our favorite Tex-Mex restaurants, the Alamo, and my last night, they made ham dinner. Everyone from the neighborhood came, and some softball peeps. It was so awesome. I wished you could have been there to enjoy it with us, but I know you were there in spirit. Earlier that day, Jen, Lance and I took some of your ashes and scattered them on Lake Austin. They shimmered and glistened in the water as the current took you downstream. It was really very beautiful. Now you will never have to miss the lake again babe.
The 4th of July weekend was pretty good. Desi & Matt came here with Murphy and stayed here at my mom's. We hung out at the beach a lot, and made some awesome dinners. 4th of July we made your favorite - Alaskan king crab legs. I remember how you would always crack mine for me, and pull out the meat for me so I could eat, before you even touched your own. You were so good to me. Matt had bought some illegal fireworks in Pahrump, and we tried setting them off, but we couldn't find a place where they weren't prohibited. The actual 4th was pretty hard. Dez & Matt left and I was alone, and made plans to go out, but everyone flaked. Another harsh reality check of how you can't depend on others to come through when you need them. I could always count on you though. Something I guess I took for granted. Anyway, I got really emotional remembering how we used to celebrate the 4th together, doing fun stuff, and remembering 4th of July's in the past - 2009 being the most memorable. That was the best weekend ever. I ended up crying myself to sleep, missing the fireworks on purpose. I guess I don't feel right celebrating without you. Maybe I never will. I know the next few months are going to be hard too - our anniversary, your birthday, the birth of my niece, and of course the holidays. Not really looking forward to any of it, because I know I will be alone without you.
Missing you every minute of every day. This never gets any easier.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
you and Drew ~ 4th of July 2009 on Lake Travis
you & I ~ 4th of July 2009 Lake Travis
The past few weeks have been so busy. Can you believe it's already July and the year is already half over? It's been 5 months since you died. It feels like forever. I replay that day I found you over and over in my head. Will that ever go away?
Austin was good. The trip was a lot better than I could have expected, even though I had to fight the urge to keep calling you and tell you about stuff. I can't believe it has been almost 3 years since we moved from there. I stayed with Terra the first half of the trip and we hit the lake, floated the river, went downtown and partied. We had a good time doin what we do best - being HAM's. Sencond half of my trip I stayed with the Bighearts. We went to all our favorite Tex-Mex restaurants, the Alamo, and my last night, they made ham dinner. Everyone from the neighborhood came, and some softball peeps. It was so awesome. I wished you could have been there to enjoy it with us, but I know you were there in spirit. Earlier that day, Jen, Lance and I took some of your ashes and scattered them on Lake Austin. They shimmered and glistened in the water as the current took you downstream. It was really very beautiful. Now you will never have to miss the lake again babe.
The 4th of July weekend was pretty good. Desi & Matt came here with Murphy and stayed here at my mom's. We hung out at the beach a lot, and made some awesome dinners. 4th of July we made your favorite - Alaskan king crab legs. I remember how you would always crack mine for me, and pull out the meat for me so I could eat, before you even touched your own. You were so good to me. Matt had bought some illegal fireworks in Pahrump, and we tried setting them off, but we couldn't find a place where they weren't prohibited. The actual 4th was pretty hard. Dez & Matt left and I was alone, and made plans to go out, but everyone flaked. Another harsh reality check of how you can't depend on others to come through when you need them. I could always count on you though. Something I guess I took for granted. Anyway, I got really emotional remembering how we used to celebrate the 4th together, doing fun stuff, and remembering 4th of July's in the past - 2009 being the most memorable. That was the best weekend ever. I ended up crying myself to sleep, missing the fireworks on purpose. I guess I don't feel right celebrating without you. Maybe I never will. I know the next few months are going to be hard too - our anniversary, your birthday, the birth of my niece, and of course the holidays. Not really looking forward to any of it, because I know I will be alone without you.
Missing you every minute of every day. This never gets any easier.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
you and Drew ~ 4th of July 2009 on Lake Travis
you & I ~ 4th of July 2009 Lake Travis
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