can you die of a broken heart?

Dear Eric,

Its 3:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. I feel scared. Scared to go to sleep because I'm afraid I won't wake up. I'm not scared of death. I actually welcome it. I'm scared of my mom or someone else having to find me in the condition I found you in. I'm scared to leave Max here alone and no one to take care of him. I'm scared I will never get to meet my niece and how it would affect my sister. I'm scared of what it would do to my family, as I have already placed a huge burden on them already with my grief and sadness.

Over the past few months, I have been having chest pains, which seem to be getting worse over the last couple weeks, and even worse the last few days. I can actually feel my heart slowing down and skipping beats, which causes me to gasp for my breath. I'm also having digestive issues and stomach problems. Like stabbing pains in my stomach. I literally feel like I am going to die.

Can you die of a broken heart?

Love Always,
your babygirl~

grief

Dear Eric,

This is so weird. Surreal. Sitting here on the bed in your favorite t-shirt, surrounded by your stuff. Your cell phone, your backpack, your wedding ring, your wallet. And you are sitting right next to me, except you are in this shiny black box -- ashes. How is it that you are ASHES now?! I don't get it. I don't think I will ever understand.

I just have this weird, eerie feeling.. You are not coming back, EVER. The next time I see you, I will be dead too. How can this possibly be? I had a conversation with Lance today. He said he was watching MotoGP on tv and he couldn't enjoy it, though I know you would want him to. All these things, the little things, like banana pancakes, motorcycles, seeing surfers on the beach -- will always make me think of you. YOU WERE MY WHOLE LIFE. Now I don't even know what "life" means anymore.

Whenever I pictured my life in the future, I never pictured you NOT in it with me. We were supposed to grow old together. Have kids, raise a family together. Losing you has left me with so much grief. Grief no one can understand unless they have lost their husband or wife. I grieve for the one I loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one I swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage. The one I shared the ultimate partnership with to live as one. The one who embodied my true sense of home. The one who was my best friend and who was to be my companion for life. The one I confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted me as I was. The one I felt safe and protected with. The one I shared private moments and intimate feelings with. The one I mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from my life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. Losing you has left me with many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For I also suffer: The loss of who I was myself while I was with you. The loss of the couple I was once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the wife role I once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.

Amidst all this, I am also suddenly confronted with many hardships I never expected to face at this point in my life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens, and additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to me. I must now find it within myself to create a new identity. To redefine my role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for my future.

And I must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they don't hold me back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of your death. I must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow me as I attempt to move forward, but with my heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.

And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of my life in the worst state imaginable. When I am the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted I have ever been. Without that one person I long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get me through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided me emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence I need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now I face all this alone.

ALONE.

Love Always,
your babygirl~

can't stop thinking about you

Dear Eric,

I can't stop thinking about you today. You are the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. At first, you were the only thing I could think about, but lately I find myself more occupied and while you frequent my thoughts often, I don't spend nearly as many days with my thoughts entirely consumed of only you. Today, though, was one of those days I just couldn't get you out of my head.

Being let down, and disappointment, is probably one of the WORST feelings in the world. And lately, I've been feeling it alot. You were the only person I could ever count on. You never disappointed me. In fact, you were the one who always made me feel better when other people let me down. Today, not a single person called or text me that I didn't initiate the conversation. Is that how my life is going to be? Am I always going to have to be the one to make plans, or start a conversation? I have been feeling "rejected" and let down by many of my so-called friends. Sure, sometimes being alone is nice, but not always. I would like the option at least. Most of my friends have their husband or boyfriend to hang out with and do nothing with on a Saturday night. Not me. Its just me & Max. At least I have him. We take a LOT of long walks these days. Not much else to do when no one else is around.

Earlier today I was looking at Father's Day cards for my dad when I stumbled upon the exact card I got for you from Max last year. The one with the dog on it that looks just like Max with a blue bow tie on it. It made me tear up and I had to leave immediately. These are the little things I miss, and will continue to miss. The silliness of Max giving you a Father's Day card. Even though you are his daddy. We raised him as our son, we even called him "the baby," not the dog. We raised him from a puppy with the intentions of, "if we can keep him alive and well, we might do okay as parents." Well, that will never happen now. All of these overwhelming emotions, with just the very sight of one silly card. The dog with the bow tie.

In exactly two weeks, I am going to Austin. It seemed like a good idea at the time, when I booked my tickets. I was in a great mood and being spontaneous, but now I'm not so sure. Austin was, and will always be a very special place for me. But now I realize all the things that made it so special for me are all directly tied to you. We got engaged on the lake. Austin is where we bought our first home together and spent the first years of our marriage. The people we met there became our family, and sad as it is to say, I don't know if I will feel the same way with you not there. I never thought I would be making a trip to Austin without you. Austin was never even on my radar, it was YOU who found it, and made our dreams a reality. All of my fondest memories there are with YOU. Now I am sitting here thinking to myself, "why would I think it was a good idea to go back there... without him?" I have been thinking about scattering some of your ashes on Lake Austin, where we pretty much spend 90% of our time. You used to talk about how much you LOVED that lake. I loved watching you wakeboard. You never ceased to amaze me with your natural athletic ability and I loved that so much about you. Now I feel like that lake will never be the same for me again. Your wedding ring is on the bottom of that lake. I know you loved Austin and especially Lake Austin, but I don't know if you would want your ashes there. We never really talked about this stuff.

I just don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know if I will ever really get any "closure" -- whatever that means. I have so many unanswered questions, thoughts and dreams that are quite disturbing. When will this stop? When will I find some peace? Am I going to be okay? Help me out babe. I know you are listening.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


Lake Austin, Summer 2009



Wakesurfing Lake Austin, Summer 2009



Always on a boat. On the lake.

we share the same soul

Dear Eric,

There is absolutely NOTHING I wouldn't give for one of your hugs. The way I am feeling today can only be described as, "I need a hug." I keep having visions of us reuniting, hugging and kissing. It kills me that you aren't just in the next room.

I still feel so close to you. I remember when we first started talking. It was so natural and comfortable. It was never weird or awkward with you. You are, and always have been my soulmate. We have always "gotten" each other, understood each other on a deeper level than most, and loved each other fiercely. It makes me sad that my soulmate has already moved on to the next life, selfishly, because I am here without you. It seems like most people spend their whole life searching for their soulmate. I have already found mine and now its gone. I don't believe you have more than one soulmate. I believe I have already found that one true love, that special connection, and while it makes me sad that its "over" here on earth, I am so happy and extremely grateful that I was able to have that, with you. I know I will never have that again, but thats okay. I wouldn't want it again, not with anyone else.

Sometimes when I think about our relationship, our love, our memories, and everything that made us "US" I find myself smiling. I can honestly say you made me a better person without even trying. You are the best man I will ever know. I wish that I had told you all of these things more often. I would give my life just to see you one more time, if even just for a moment. Life is pretty unbearable without you. I wish it would hurry up and be over sometimes. But for now, all I can do is try to honor you and your life by being the good person you helped show me how to be, and to try and live my life to the fullest possible.

Til we meet again my love~

Love Always,
your babygirl~

I would rather have a husband

Dear Eric,

It's been awhile since I've written. I've been trying to keep myself busy and stay occupied. I was in Vegas for a couple weeks and I went to Florida to see Gram for a week. She is really declining babe. She has nurses that do 99% of her cooking & cleaning and she barely gets out of the house these days. She can't walk. She forgets stuff now. I remember how you used to describe her to people-- you used to talk about how usually when people age, their mind is the first to go, but that in Marie's case, her body is crumbling but her mind is still sharp as a tack. Not anymore. She asks me the same questions and repeats the same stories, and can't even remember what we had for lunch. Its sad. I remember always thinking how strong she is. Its been over 12 years since Grandpa died, and even before I lost my own husband, I remember thinking I could never fathom having lost someone whom you had loved for over 50 years. I truly believe that Gram & Grandpa had that special, unique, rare, once-in-a-lifetime type of love. Not everyone has that. We did. We definitely did. I never thought it possible to love someone as much as I love you. Most of my time in Florida, I was sick. I felt physically ill. Body aches, sore throat, sneezing, etc. Most of the trip I laid on the couch with Gram and watched TV. My sister is convinced I am "depressed." I am definitely SAD. Possibly depressed, but I wouldn't say I have "depression." I think mostly that being there was so bittersweet this time. While it was so great to see Gram & Aunt Anna and spend some time at the beach actually swimming in the ocean, I kept wanting to call you and tell you about my day, and kept having to stop myself. I would lay in bed and cry at night, every single night. I don't know why THAT week, of all weeks was such a bad one. I just missed having you there. I miss you every day.

After Florida, we flew back into Vegas and I stayed there for Memorial Day. Partied my ass off all weekend, slept all week, and drove back to Cali today. When I got home I got the letter from the coroner's office stating your cause of death. Acute polydrug intoxication. Its not the actual toxicology report, but from what this letter says, they make it sound like it was an accidental overdose which is what I had always thought from the beginning. I know you would never intentionally leave me & Max here to figure things out on our own. I know you would never want to see me in such pain. And not only that, but you promised you would never hurt yourself on purpose. I believed you then. I believe you still. But it almost makes it worse now. Like you didn't mean for this to happen. So now the anger is gone and I'm even more sad because this was an accident and it wasn't supposed to go down like this.

I'm so sorry babe. I should have been there. I know I keep saying it, but I will always have regret for not being there. I had no idea how much medication you were taking, or what you were taking in the first place. If I had been there none of this would have happened.

People keep saying I am lucky, that I have a guardian angel for life now. But I would still rather have a husband.

Miss you so much it hurts.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


You having a quiet moment, enjoying the serenity of Gram's backyard in Florida~