what happened?

Dear Eric,

So today was the big moving day. It was pretty hard seeing all of our things being taken out of the apartment, one by one, until it was completely empty. I wish I didn't have to move right now. I know our lease was up anyway and we were planning on moving back to Las Vegas soon, but I was not prepared to do all of this alone. I have no energy, even though I sleep a lot lately. JP was so kind to facilitate this entire move and not even charge me for it. Your friends care about you more than I think you knew. When I was speaking at your memorial, I glanced up at one point and noticed that every single seat in the room (all 150 of them!) was taken. There were people standing up in the back, and even more people peeking in from outside. I remember thinking in that moment, "wow, I wish Eric knew how many people's lives he touched in his short time here." You were LOVED. You are MISSED.

I finally brought home the blankie and pillow you were sleeping with when you died. They still smell like you.

I still have no idea what to do with your stuff. Its all packed up in boxes & bins and being taken to my mom's in Vegas. I guess I will deal with it when I am ready. Oh babe, why did this have to happen? I miss hearing your laugh. I miss seeing your smile. I wish this was all a horrible nightmare. I wish I could wake up.

I was just looking at our pics from this time last year.. We were so happy! It was spring, we just moved into our new place, we had so much fun with our friends on the beach! How did things change so much in ONE YEAR!?!? You had been so down these last few months. I wish I could have done something to help you. I just don't know what happened. What went wrong. I guess it was just too much. I hope you know how much I love you. I always will.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


a pic from one of our bonfire nights in Laguna Beach~

you were gonna be an uncle

Dear Eric,

Sorry I didn't write yesterday. My migraines have come back. I've been getting them 2-3 times a week now, since you died. My head pounds and my heart aches. I talked to your mom a couple days ago. She went in for her biopsy last week. She won't have the results back for nearly four weeks; I pray for everything to be okay. She is completely and utterly broken by your passing. She sounds weak and looks frail. You were her only child, her only son. She said she asked you if she could come visit the weekend you died, why didn't you let her? Now she is feeling regret and guilt, as am I.

I saw you in one of my pictures from the baseball game. I knew you were there with me. Thank you for being there to watch over me.

The movers are coming tomorrow. I have managed to successfully pack up our entire apartment and most of the garage, the storage unit, and your office by myself and with a LOT of help from my family and our friends. When I say "by myself" I mean without you. I folded your clothes and put them in suitcases, as if I were packing you for a trip. I don't know what to do with your things. I gave Jason your camping gear and a lot of your other stuff that he wanted. Alfie has most of your snowboarding gear, Jake will get your surfboard. I am keeping your guitar. I will learn to play it one day, and I will try to learn that Jack Johnson song you were learning to play for me. I will play it for you one day babe. I can't believe I am moving back to Las Vegas. Without you. We planned on going back together. WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME HERE ALONE!?!?!

Max needs his nails clipped. That is your job, I don't know how to do it. Who is gonna clip the baby's nails? He misses you so much daddy.

Speaking of baby. I have been meaning to tell you. The day I found you, Desi found out she is pregnant. I am going to be an aunt. You were going to be an uncle. I was so excited to tell you! I feel like such a dick, because I am constantly sad or grumpy, while she is on cloud 9, as she should be! I want to be happy and excited for her, but its hard to be excited for a new life when all I have been focused on is your death. Ever since we were little girls, we always talked about getting pregnant at the same time, so we could go through it together and our babies would grow up together. Now that will never happen. My little niece or nephew is already being robbed, and its not even born yet. Because it will never know you. You were always so great with kids. You would have been the BEST father. If the baby is a boy, they are naming it after you. I think its a boy *fingers crossed*

Missing you~

Love Always,
your babygirl



my future niece or nephew aka "gummy bear"

my first baseball game

Dear Eric,

Today I went to my first baseball game. Mom got VIP Box tickets from her work for Angels/Dodgers at the Dodger Stadium, so it was just her & I and some people from her office. I have always wanted to go to a baseball game, and we always talked about going together, but never got around to it. I actually had a pretty good time! Thought of you the entire time of course. I thought of how you would have loved the game (it was intense!) I thought of how you would have eaten a couple of Dodger Dogs (just ketchup, no mustard), and drank a Bud Light. I remembered how I would come watch you at softball practice when we first started dating, how sexy I thought you were when I watched you play. I remembered how we used to play softball together that one summer in Austin on that co-ed team with Jen & Lance. Even then, when I watched you play and score run after run, I was so proud of you, so proud to call you my man. We had a so much fun playing together. You taught me so much about all of the things you were passionate about, sports being one of them. I wished you could have been there tonight to enjoy that amazing experience with me, but somehow, I felt like you were.

Love Always,
your babygirl~

whoops

Dear Eric,

Tonight I did something I shouldn't have. Please forgive me. Lindsey came over to our apartment to help me pack our room. (I still can't bring myself to take your clothes out of the closet though.) Anyway, she parked on our street when she came over. When we were done, I drove both of us back to mom's in my car to check on Max. She stayed for a few hours, we ate and talked and took the baby for a walk.

Anyway, it started to get late and she said she was parked on 12th, so I offered to drive her to her car. of course, I asked Max if he wanted to come, and of course he did. then I realized Lindsey meant she parked on OUR street, and not on 12th. when I pulled up to her car, Max was intensely staring at our house from the backseat with a look on his face I will never forget. We have been doing so good. I've tried not to say "Daddy" around him, (you know how his ear perk up when you say that!) or take him near our street our our house. I haven't brought him to our house since the day we found you. It's not that I want him to forget about you, it's just that I don't want to confuse him anymore than he already is. This whole thing has been so stressful on both of us. Anyway, when we drove away, he kept looking back, then at me, then back at the house, as if to say, "Wait, where are you going? What about Daddy? That's OUR house!" I shouldn't have brought him with us in the car, I don't know what I was thinking. I feel like I scarred him. I'm so sorry babe. I didn't mean to. I don't know what he thinks, but I'm sure he has a pretty good idea that Daddy isn't here anymore. He misses you so much. We both do.

Love Always,
Your Babygirl~
and Max Bug


you & Max on the boat on Lake Travis in Austin. what a fun day that was! remember how bad Max had to pee when we got off the boat? I still laugh about that!

5 weeks

Dear Eric,

Today marks 5 weeks you have been gone. I still don't believe it. I sold your truck yesterday. I did it all on my own. I know you've bought and sold lots of cars and motorcycles on craigslist and ebay, but the escalade was my first, and I did it by myself. You would be proud of me. While I am enjoying the satisfaction of feeling independent, I also feel like I am starting to alienate myself from people, because they just don't get it. I want and need people, but at the same time, I don't. It's hard to explain. So when I tell them I'm fine, I don't need anything, I really do. It's like I want them to just "know" I need them and just show up anyway. I love my friends, but right now everyone is pissing me off. Whenever I would complain about my friends, you would always tell me, "Fuck them, you don't need them anyway, we have each other babe." Now you aren't here and I feel so unbearably lonely. This weekend I learned the lesson of being independent vs not being able to depend on others for help when I need it. I know I told you I needed to grow, to learn to become independent again, but not at this cost. I needed you then. I still need you now.

All of these things I'm going through, the pain, the hurt, the anguish, the sorrow.. all of this would go away with one hug and a smile from you. But you are gone now and you are never coming back. I will never look into your eyes, see your smile, or touch your sun-kissed skin ever again.

Max misses you too. He cries sometimes at night. And even when I am silently crying myself to sleep, he somehow knows, and jumps on the bed and cuddles up next to me, in the spot on the bed where he used to sleep in between us.

I can't put into words how sorry I am. I never should have left for Las Vegas that weekend. I should have stayed. You would probably still be alive if I would have chosen differently. I will forever carry the guilt of not recognizing how much you needed me. I always wished I could take the burden of the stress you constantly carried, and carry it myself, if even for a day. Instead, I let you bear the entire load and lived my life carefree and without stress. I never realized how much you were dealing with until you were gone. Baby, you don't have to worry anymore. I got this now.

Love Always,
Your Babygirl~


our perfect little family