Dear Eric,
I just read a bunch of old emails you sent me. I kept almost every single one.
This is part of one you wrote to me awhile back:
I want you, I need you and I love you very, very much. I have never felt more committed, or felt so much love for someone as I do for you. I would gladly give my life for you...and I have never felt so much love and commitment from someone as I feel from you. I feel like I say "I love you" a lot but in many ways I am not showing you that I love you through my actions (as you know actions speak louder than words). I feel like we are a huge ship sailing the ocean wandering aimlessly without a solid idea of where we want to go and how we are going to get there. I KNOW THERE IS A BETTER LIFE OUT THERE FOR US IF WE STICK TOGETHER.
What happened to us sticking together?!?! You left me here to sail the ship alone!
Love Always,
your babygirl~
Saturday, April 30, 2011
easter & the grand canyon
Dear Eric,
Last weekend I celebrated my first holiday without you. It was Easter. I know we didn't really have any real Easter traditions, but it sucked not getting to make you an Easter basket this year and filling it with fun goodies and your favorite candy. My mom, Desi, Matt and I went to brunch with your mom after church. Then Desi, Matt and I took Max to my Dad's and swam in the pool, ate dinner, and shot a sniper rifle from the kitchen window into the backyard at a target. Lol - you would have LOVED it! All in all, it was a pretty good Easter, even though all I could think about was, "Why isn't he here?!?!"
Remember last Easter? We went to Coral Pink with Roc, the Lee's and the Taggart's. Remember hiding the eggs for the kids (and then helping Syd and Hannah to find them?) Oh, and the chocolate "poop" on Roc's toothbrush! Such a great Easter weekend, with great friends, riding quads in the sand. Waking up to snow that morning, and gazing at stars at night. Even the drive there and back were some great memories. Changing the tire on the side of the road.. omg so sketch! I will never forget that trip.
I also went to the Grand Canyon last weekend with your family. It was Steve & Kim, Matt & Kristina, Kent & Sophie, Todd & his wife, Jason and his girlfriend, and of course all the kids. There were 21 of us Costons! It was a truly amazing experience. The Grand Canyon was beautiful and magnificent. It was great spending that time with your family and bonding with them and the kids. Of course we all missed you and wished you were there to enjoy it with us. I thought about scattering some of your ashes there, but I'm not ready yet.
I just miss you so freakin much babe. I still can't believe you are gone and never coming back. I think about you every second of every day. I hope you know how much I love you and always will.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
sunset at the Grand Canyon 4.22.11
Easter at my Dad's - shooting guns in the house lol
Easter 2010 in Utah
Last weekend I celebrated my first holiday without you. It was Easter. I know we didn't really have any real Easter traditions, but it sucked not getting to make you an Easter basket this year and filling it with fun goodies and your favorite candy. My mom, Desi, Matt and I went to brunch with your mom after church. Then Desi, Matt and I took Max to my Dad's and swam in the pool, ate dinner, and shot a sniper rifle from the kitchen window into the backyard at a target. Lol - you would have LOVED it! All in all, it was a pretty good Easter, even though all I could think about was, "Why isn't he here?!?!"
Remember last Easter? We went to Coral Pink with Roc, the Lee's and the Taggart's. Remember hiding the eggs for the kids (and then helping Syd and Hannah to find them?) Oh, and the chocolate "poop" on Roc's toothbrush! Such a great Easter weekend, with great friends, riding quads in the sand. Waking up to snow that morning, and gazing at stars at night. Even the drive there and back were some great memories. Changing the tire on the side of the road.. omg so sketch! I will never forget that trip.
I also went to the Grand Canyon last weekend with your family. It was Steve & Kim, Matt & Kristina, Kent & Sophie, Todd & his wife, Jason and his girlfriend, and of course all the kids. There were 21 of us Costons! It was a truly amazing experience. The Grand Canyon was beautiful and magnificent. It was great spending that time with your family and bonding with them and the kids. Of course we all missed you and wished you were there to enjoy it with us. I thought about scattering some of your ashes there, but I'm not ready yet.
I just miss you so freakin much babe. I still can't believe you are gone and never coming back. I think about you every second of every day. I hope you know how much I love you and always will.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
sunset at the Grand Canyon 4.22.11
Easter at my Dad's - shooting guns in the house lol
Easter 2010 in Utah
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
*crickets*
Dear Eric,
So everything has come to a screeching halt. The phone calls, the emails, the texts, the facebook messages. My phone is completely quiet. It seems like everyone else has already moved on and gotten back into their normal groove and forgotten that I am still here, left alone, and no longer have a normal groove. My "normal" ended the day you died and now I have to start over and completely rebuild my life from scratch. I no longer know what my purpose is here on Earth and I have no idea where to start. I am so damn lonely.
A few people have asked me, "How are you?" I have no idea how to respond to that. I am fucked up. I have a deep wound, a huge cut, a hole in my heart that will NEVER go away or heal. There will always be a scar. But for everyone else, life goes on. Its not fair. Its frustrating to see everyone go on as usual, at such a fast pace, while time is literally standing still for me, even though the days are passing. The just have no clue.
I think I have scared everybody off. When people ask how I'm doing, I assume they really want to know, so I tell them. And then they're probably thinking something like, "Geez sorry I asked," or something along those lines. I am not the same "Lane" I used to be. I really feel that way. I truly believe a part of me died with you that day and I will never be the same. When I look at recent pictures of myself, I don't even recognize myself. While I may have a (fake, forced) smile on my face, I look completely dead behind the eyes. I have become a loner, a total pessimist, and a complete Debbie Downer. No wonder no one wants to talk to me or hang out with me.
No one understands the grief I am going through. Everyone wants to compare my loss to the loss of their brother, their grandma, or their dog. Those are all painful losses, but I'm sorry, its not the same. Losing the person with whom you were so close with, shared every secret with, were intimate with, lived with and shared a bed with is a much different, unique and devastating loss. Most people our age can not understand or even try to understand. The mind will just not voluntarily let you imagine such horrific pain. I know its awful to say, but I wish they all could walk in my shoes for ONE DAY so they could feel what I feel, so they wouldn't try to minimize what I am going through. People say things like, "You need to be strong." If there is ever a time when I permitted to be weak, THIS IS IT! Or they will say "You need to get over it and move on, he wants you to be happy." I will NEVER "get over it," - I will learn to live with this and eventually, time will dull the pain, but it will never go away. I do believe you would want me to be happy, and if you saw the front I put on every day to my friends and family to make them believe I am okay, while I sit alone in my bedroom at night crying and praying, kicking and screaming into pillows, you would be upset with me. I do know you want me to be happy. At this point, "happy" does not fit into my vocabulary.
Yes, Pity, party of one, your table is ready.
It's still not fair. I hate life without you. Why did it have to end this way?
Love Always,
your babygirl~
So everything has come to a screeching halt. The phone calls, the emails, the texts, the facebook messages. My phone is completely quiet. It seems like everyone else has already moved on and gotten back into their normal groove and forgotten that I am still here, left alone, and no longer have a normal groove. My "normal" ended the day you died and now I have to start over and completely rebuild my life from scratch. I no longer know what my purpose is here on Earth and I have no idea where to start. I am so damn lonely.
A few people have asked me, "How are you?" I have no idea how to respond to that. I am fucked up. I have a deep wound, a huge cut, a hole in my heart that will NEVER go away or heal. There will always be a scar. But for everyone else, life goes on. Its not fair. Its frustrating to see everyone go on as usual, at such a fast pace, while time is literally standing still for me, even though the days are passing. The just have no clue.
I think I have scared everybody off. When people ask how I'm doing, I assume they really want to know, so I tell them. And then they're probably thinking something like, "Geez sorry I asked," or something along those lines. I am not the same "Lane" I used to be. I really feel that way. I truly believe a part of me died with you that day and I will never be the same. When I look at recent pictures of myself, I don't even recognize myself. While I may have a (fake, forced) smile on my face, I look completely dead behind the eyes. I have become a loner, a total pessimist, and a complete Debbie Downer. No wonder no one wants to talk to me or hang out with me.
No one understands the grief I am going through. Everyone wants to compare my loss to the loss of their brother, their grandma, or their dog. Those are all painful losses, but I'm sorry, its not the same. Losing the person with whom you were so close with, shared every secret with, were intimate with, lived with and shared a bed with is a much different, unique and devastating loss. Most people our age can not understand or even try to understand. The mind will just not voluntarily let you imagine such horrific pain. I know its awful to say, but I wish they all could walk in my shoes for ONE DAY so they could feel what I feel, so they wouldn't try to minimize what I am going through. People say things like, "You need to be strong." If there is ever a time when I permitted to be weak, THIS IS IT! Or they will say "You need to get over it and move on, he wants you to be happy." I will NEVER "get over it," - I will learn to live with this and eventually, time will dull the pain, but it will never go away. I do believe you would want me to be happy, and if you saw the front I put on every day to my friends and family to make them believe I am okay, while I sit alone in my bedroom at night crying and praying, kicking and screaming into pillows, you would be upset with me. I do know you want me to be happy. At this point, "happy" does not fit into my vocabulary.
Yes, Pity, party of one, your table is ready.
It's still not fair. I hate life without you. Why did it have to end this way?
Love Always,
your babygirl~
Sunday, April 17, 2011
pissed
Dear Eric,
Today I am pissed. I feel mad that I am alone. Pissed Max doesn't have his daddy. I can't even SAY daddy. I am mad that you did this to us.
Dammit. I had a whole bunch of other stuff I was pissed off about, but after typing that last sentence, I am pissed at myself for being mad at you.
Fuck.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
Today I am pissed. I feel mad that I am alone. Pissed Max doesn't have his daddy. I can't even SAY daddy. I am mad that you did this to us.
Dammit. I had a whole bunch of other stuff I was pissed off about, but after typing that last sentence, I am pissed at myself for being mad at you.
Fuck.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
Saturday, April 16, 2011
bittersweet
Dear Eric,
Tomorrow will be eight weeks. I can not believe it has been two months since you've been gone. If it hurts this bad now, I don't want to know how bad it will hurt later. The more time that passes, the more I miss you, the more all of this becomes so real.
Today I went sailing with the Repps on their boat in Dana Point. It was a bittersweet day for sure. My first time on a sailboat. I had an amazing time. The weather was perfect, the water was clear, and the kids were laughing and playing on the boat. At one point the boat was completely surrounded by dolphins, literally HUNDREDS of them! It was so magical and beautiful.
There was one thing missing: YOU. All I could think about was how we had talked about this all winter, how we were going to go sailing with the Repps this summer, how you were so excited to get back out on the water. Jake needed his first mate. Lindsey and I aren't the greatest at handling ropes, sails, or even steering for that matter, lol. All the sailing lingo & the "work" involved with maneuvering a boat that large.. right up your alley babe. The whole time I had this lump in my throat, like I wanted to cry, but I was smiling at the same time. Very bittersweet.
I wished you could have been there for this perfect day, but Lindsey swears that seeing the dolphins were a sign you were with us. ♥
Love you SO much and missing you more each day.
Love Always,
Your babygirl~
dolphins chasing our boat, Dana Point, California
Tomorrow will be eight weeks. I can not believe it has been two months since you've been gone. If it hurts this bad now, I don't want to know how bad it will hurt later. The more time that passes, the more I miss you, the more all of this becomes so real.
Today I went sailing with the Repps on their boat in Dana Point. It was a bittersweet day for sure. My first time on a sailboat. I had an amazing time. The weather was perfect, the water was clear, and the kids were laughing and playing on the boat. At one point the boat was completely surrounded by dolphins, literally HUNDREDS of them! It was so magical and beautiful.
There was one thing missing: YOU. All I could think about was how we had talked about this all winter, how we were going to go sailing with the Repps this summer, how you were so excited to get back out on the water. Jake needed his first mate. Lindsey and I aren't the greatest at handling ropes, sails, or even steering for that matter, lol. All the sailing lingo & the "work" involved with maneuvering a boat that large.. right up your alley babe. The whole time I had this lump in my throat, like I wanted to cry, but I was smiling at the same time. Very bittersweet.
I wished you could have been there for this perfect day, but Lindsey swears that seeing the dolphins were a sign you were with us. ♥
Love you SO much and missing you more each day.
Love Always,
Your babygirl~
dolphins chasing our boat, Dana Point, California
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I hate that you aren't here
Dear Eric,
I have tried over the last few weeks to be positive and optimistic about this situation and about my future without you. Its really hard though. Its hard to put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy when really, I just want to lay in bed and cry all day, and on some days, I wish I was dead too. I hate life without you.
I hate that I have no one to come home to.
I hate that I have no one to talk to.
I hate that people have chosen to pull away from me, rather than reach out and try to help.
I hate that I feel like I'm going though this alone.
I hate that no one understands.
I hate that Max doesn't have his daddy anymore.
I hate feeling like a miserable, lonely old widow.
I hate the word "widow."
I hate that, because I'm always so down, no one wants to talk to me.
I hate that your mom lost her only son and I have no words to console or comfort her.
I hate that my sister's baby will never know you.
I hate that all of our plans for the future are gone.
I hate not being able to see you, hear your laugh, or feel your touch.
I hate that everyone else gets to go back to their normal routine, and I no longer have a "normal"
I hate that I have to start over completely. I am scared shitless.
I hate that I can't sleep at night. Or during the day. Or at all.
I hate that I've lost so much weight, none of my clothes fit me anymore.
I hate that the last time I saw you, you were dead.
I hate that I feel like its somehow my fault you are gone.
I hate that I feel like I am never going to be the same.
I hate that I have lost my spark and the passion for just about everything I used to do and love.
I hate that my circle is getting smaller.
I hate that I have to move back to Las Vegas. Alone. Without you.
I hate answering the phone.
I hate wondering what was going through your mind when you laid down on the couch that last time.
I hate feeling scared all the time.
I hate not getting texts or calls from you anymore.
I hate that I have to eventually disconnect your phone and someone else will get the phone number you've had for 16 years.
I hate eating.
I hate drinking.
I hate taking Max for walks alone.
I hate Sundays.
I hate having to sell things that were yours.
I hate that I can't listen to Jack Johnson without crying.
I hate that I am so scatter-brained these days. I can't seem to get it together.
I hate that you had to die alone.
I hate everything I do, everywhere I go, reminds me of you and makes me want to cry.
I hate talking about you in the past-tense.
I HATE THAT YOU AREN'T HERE.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
I have tried over the last few weeks to be positive and optimistic about this situation and about my future without you. Its really hard though. Its hard to put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy when really, I just want to lay in bed and cry all day, and on some days, I wish I was dead too. I hate life without you.
I hate that I have no one to come home to.
I hate that I have no one to talk to.
I hate that people have chosen to pull away from me, rather than reach out and try to help.
I hate that I feel like I'm going though this alone.
I hate that no one understands.
I hate that Max doesn't have his daddy anymore.
I hate feeling like a miserable, lonely old widow.
I hate the word "widow."
I hate that, because I'm always so down, no one wants to talk to me.
I hate that your mom lost her only son and I have no words to console or comfort her.
I hate that my sister's baby will never know you.
I hate that all of our plans for the future are gone.
I hate not being able to see you, hear your laugh, or feel your touch.
I hate that everyone else gets to go back to their normal routine, and I no longer have a "normal"
I hate that I have to start over completely. I am scared shitless.
I hate that I can't sleep at night. Or during the day. Or at all.
I hate that I've lost so much weight, none of my clothes fit me anymore.
I hate that the last time I saw you, you were dead.
I hate that I feel like its somehow my fault you are gone.
I hate that I feel like I am never going to be the same.
I hate that I have lost my spark and the passion for just about everything I used to do and love.
I hate that my circle is getting smaller.
I hate that I have to move back to Las Vegas. Alone. Without you.
I hate answering the phone.
I hate wondering what was going through your mind when you laid down on the couch that last time.
I hate feeling scared all the time.
I hate not getting texts or calls from you anymore.
I hate that I have to eventually disconnect your phone and someone else will get the phone number you've had for 16 years.
I hate eating.
I hate drinking.
I hate taking Max for walks alone.
I hate Sundays.
I hate having to sell things that were yours.
I hate that I can't listen to Jack Johnson without crying.
I hate that I am so scatter-brained these days. I can't seem to get it together.
I hate that you had to die alone.
I hate everything I do, everywhere I go, reminds me of you and makes me want to cry.
I hate talking about you in the past-tense.
I HATE THAT YOU AREN'T HERE.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
Monday, April 11, 2011
things I never got to say
Dear Eric,
Today I went on a long bike ride and got to thinking.. There are so many things that made you "you" that I loved about you. I miss our inside jokes. I miss saying things that only YOU would get. I started thinking about some of these things that I appreciated about you that I may not have gotten to tell you:
•Mmmmbabe
•Byeeeee *Stu from The Hangover voice*
•The way you would play the same song over & over (and still not get sick of it)
•“jew don’t know how to talk to somebody”
•“put some socks on”
•Falling asleep with the TV on
•Making fun of me for being a tree-hugging hippy but then always picking up trash off the beach
•Your edginess – never going with the crowd
•How you would make forts for Max out of blankets
•Banana pancakes
•Naked Sundays
•Making me do push-ups whenever I would break my New Years resolutions
•Peanut butter dreams
•SOTB
•Your robot voice
•Glatheths
•Your thoughtful gifts. You really listened.
•The way you had relationships with my family outside of me.
•Waffle House
•The way you would never talk bad about anyone behind their back or gossip.
•Putting clothes on Max and taking funny pictures
•Prank wars (these never ended well for me)
•Tickle time
•The way you called me your babygirl and your angel
•Your competitiveness and the way you gave 110% to anything you did
•The way I always felt safe when I was with you. We could be stranded in the middle of nowhere and you could get us out of there
•The way you Velcro everything
•Echo Mike Charlie
•The way you would always ask the waitress what their specials were, make her go through all of it, then order spaghetti
•The blue sheet
•Moto GP is cool *nerd voice*
•I’m making Dominoes for dinner
•“I can’t do it, can you just do it for me?”
•Joe Rogan
•The way you always put the toilet seat down
•Your lists & your organizer
•Our songs to Max
•The way you always took videos
•Watching you surf, wakeboard, box, or play softball. Sexy!
•How you would let me cut your hair and give you silly haircuts
•Going on tropical vacations during hurricane season
•Gangster rap
•I’m training to be a cage fighter
•Movie montages
•Food fights in the middle of restaurants
•Getting tickets for playing music too loud in your truck
•The way you always say “yes please” or “no thank you”
•Big booty Judy
•“Survival of the fittest”
•Your sarcasm, wit, and sense of humor
•Your hugs. Your kisses. Your warmth.
•The way you could make anyone feel comfortable and welcome, especially in awkward situations
•The side eye!
•“you can’t just put pineapple on something and call it Hawaiian”
•Your complete trust and faith in me
This list could go on and on, but these are just a few of the things I loved and miss about you. So much of you has made me who I am today. I am a better person because of you. I feel blessed to have had you in my life for nine years. I wish you eternal peace my love.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
our first camping trip at Glamis Valentines weekend 2004
Today I went on a long bike ride and got to thinking.. There are so many things that made you "you" that I loved about you. I miss our inside jokes. I miss saying things that only YOU would get. I started thinking about some of these things that I appreciated about you that I may not have gotten to tell you:
•Mmmmbabe
•Byeeeee *Stu from The Hangover voice*
•The way you would play the same song over & over (and still not get sick of it)
•“jew don’t know how to talk to somebody”
•“put some socks on”
•Falling asleep with the TV on
•Making fun of me for being a tree-hugging hippy but then always picking up trash off the beach
•Your edginess – never going with the crowd
•How you would make forts for Max out of blankets
•Banana pancakes
•Naked Sundays
•Making me do push-ups whenever I would break my New Years resolutions
•Peanut butter dreams
•SOTB
•Your robot voice
•Glatheths
•Your thoughtful gifts. You really listened.
•The way you had relationships with my family outside of me.
•Waffle House
•The way you would never talk bad about anyone behind their back or gossip.
•Putting clothes on Max and taking funny pictures
•Prank wars (these never ended well for me)
•Tickle time
•The way you called me your babygirl and your angel
•Your competitiveness and the way you gave 110% to anything you did
•The way I always felt safe when I was with you. We could be stranded in the middle of nowhere and you could get us out of there
•The way you Velcro everything
•Echo Mike Charlie
•The way you would always ask the waitress what their specials were, make her go through all of it, then order spaghetti
•The blue sheet
•Moto GP is cool *nerd voice*
•I’m making Dominoes for dinner
•“I can’t do it, can you just do it for me?”
•Joe Rogan
•The way you always put the toilet seat down
•Your lists & your organizer
•Our songs to Max
•The way you always took videos
•Watching you surf, wakeboard, box, or play softball. Sexy!
•How you would let me cut your hair and give you silly haircuts
•Going on tropical vacations during hurricane season
•Gangster rap
•I’m training to be a cage fighter
•Movie montages
•Food fights in the middle of restaurants
•Getting tickets for playing music too loud in your truck
•The way you always say “yes please” or “no thank you”
•Big booty Judy
•“Survival of the fittest”
•Your sarcasm, wit, and sense of humor
•Your hugs. Your kisses. Your warmth.
•The way you could make anyone feel comfortable and welcome, especially in awkward situations
•The side eye!
•“you can’t just put pineapple on something and call it Hawaiian”
•Your complete trust and faith in me
This list could go on and on, but these are just a few of the things I loved and miss about you. So much of you has made me who I am today. I am a better person because of you. I feel blessed to have had you in my life for nine years. I wish you eternal peace my love.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
our first camping trip at Glamis Valentines weekend 2004
Sunday, April 10, 2011
7 weeks
Dear Eric,
You have been gone for 7 weeks today. SEVEN WEEKS. It feels like forever. It still doesn't feel real. It kind of just feels like you are on vacation or something. But I know you are never coming home.
Last night I went out with Andrea & some friends for her birthday. I had fun but i hated driving home knowing I wouldn't be coming home to you. I used to love going out, and I always felt so grateful I had a GOOD MAN to come home to. All these lame-ass douchebags at the club always reminded me how lucky I was to have you. A couple people noticed my rings and asked, "where is your husband?" To which I replied, "he's not here." Ugh, I hate this!
Seth was in town for the Long Beach Grand Prix this weekend. I didn't meet up with him, but it made me remember one year ago when we all rode our bikes there & watched from a tree. That was only a year ago. We had such an amazing weekend, I remember like it was yesterday. I am missing you SO. FREAKING. MUCH. It hurts.
watching the LBGP from a tree - April 2010
us at the Long Beach Grand Prix - April 2010. Look how happy we were!
You have been gone for 7 weeks today. SEVEN WEEKS. It feels like forever. It still doesn't feel real. It kind of just feels like you are on vacation or something. But I know you are never coming home.
Last night I went out with Andrea & some friends for her birthday. I had fun but i hated driving home knowing I wouldn't be coming home to you. I used to love going out, and I always felt so grateful I had a GOOD MAN to come home to. All these lame-ass douchebags at the club always reminded me how lucky I was to have you. A couple people noticed my rings and asked, "where is your husband?" To which I replied, "he's not here." Ugh, I hate this!
Seth was in town for the Long Beach Grand Prix this weekend. I didn't meet up with him, but it made me remember one year ago when we all rode our bikes there & watched from a tree. That was only a year ago. We had such an amazing weekend, I remember like it was yesterday. I am missing you SO. FREAKING. MUCH. It hurts.
watching the LBGP from a tree - April 2010
us at the Long Beach Grand Prix - April 2010. Look how happy we were!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
today was a good day
Dear Eric,
Today was the first decent day I've had since you've been gone. I only cried once! It was a pretty productive day. I showered! I washed and curled my hair. I put on makeup. (Those few things right there are all HUGE accomplishments by the way.) I called Capital One to cancel your credit cards and pay everything off. I made Max an appointment for the vet tomorrow. I paid my parking ticket and some other bills. I did the final walk through on our apartment.
You know what I haven't been doing since you've been gone? Listening to music. Today was the first time I've put my iPod on. I'm not sure why. Music just hasn't sounded the same. But today it helps. All day I listened to my Slightly Stoopid Pandora station. Lots of reggae/rock type stuff. A lil Bob Marley, some Sublime, and of course your favorite, Jack Johnson. JJ will always remind me of you. I am so glad we got to go to that concert last September for our anniversary. I loved how he encored with our favorite song.
Anyway, this is my last week in Cali so I'm trying to get out and enjoy it a little bit. I took Max to the dog beach on Monday. It was weird being there without you. But I still feel your presence and it brings me comfort.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today I feel like I will be okay.
I miss you so much it hurts~
Love Always,
your babygirl~
you took this pic of me & Max at the dog beach the last time we were there together in January, right around the time of my birthday.
Today was the first decent day I've had since you've been gone. I only cried once! It was a pretty productive day. I showered! I washed and curled my hair. I put on makeup. (Those few things right there are all HUGE accomplishments by the way.) I called Capital One to cancel your credit cards and pay everything off. I made Max an appointment for the vet tomorrow. I paid my parking ticket and some other bills. I did the final walk through on our apartment.
You know what I haven't been doing since you've been gone? Listening to music. Today was the first time I've put my iPod on. I'm not sure why. Music just hasn't sounded the same. But today it helps. All day I listened to my Slightly Stoopid Pandora station. Lots of reggae/rock type stuff. A lil Bob Marley, some Sublime, and of course your favorite, Jack Johnson. JJ will always remind me of you. I am so glad we got to go to that concert last September for our anniversary. I loved how he encored with our favorite song.
Anyway, this is my last week in Cali so I'm trying to get out and enjoy it a little bit. I took Max to the dog beach on Monday. It was weird being there without you. But I still feel your presence and it brings me comfort.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today I feel like I will be okay.
I miss you so much it hurts~
Love Always,
your babygirl~
you took this pic of me & Max at the dog beach the last time we were there together in January, right around the time of my birthday.
Monday, April 4, 2011
now I'm the one with the battle
Dear Eric,
Today was a pretty sad/bad/lonely day. Since I have lived with you for over six years, I would like to think I understood what you were going through with your depression and bipolar, but I guess I didn't understand it enough. I know that you suffered a lot. The demons you battled daily. The uncontrollable, racing thoughts. The sleepless nights. The physical pain. The hopelessness, fear, and anxiety. You once said to me that you had days that literally felt like one big panic attack. While I could see the pain in your eyes and sympathize with you and try to listen and understand, I never walked a day in your shoes, so I could never really FULLY comprehend what you had to live with. I'm glad you aren't suffering anymore.
That being said, now I'm the one suffering. Now I'm the one with the battle. The fight that is life. Finding the energy to get up each day, to breathe sometimes. This is my daily existence. I know you want me to be happy and find the joy that is life, but I find it damn near IMPOSSIBLE to even get out of bed some days. Let alone shower, shave my legs, cook, or clean. Thank God for Max, he has been my saving grace through all of this. He jumps on the bed and licks my face and tells me, "Mama, can we go for a walk please?"
I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I'm just grieving. Possibly a little PTSD in there too somewhere. I have racing thoughts at night, vivid recollections of that horrible day I found you, and I go over every detail in my mind about what could have happened. I drive myself crazy with my own thoughts. I stay up all night, because even though my body is exhausted, my mind is racing. I am a widow. That word is only supposed to be for old people. I'm too young to be a widow!!! My entire world has been turned upside down. I don't have a "normal" anymore. My therapist is helping me try to find a "new normal" but I don't want new! I want YOU! I want our old life back! I would give anything babe. But what gives me solace is knowing you aren't sad anymore. Your depression is gone. No more ups & downs and no more pain!
Your pain and suffering is now mine, and I gladly accept it, because I know I will get through this. I only wish I could have taken some of the stress off your back a little sooner, so you didn't have to live with it for so long. Perhaps if you'd have shared the burden a little sooner, you would still be here and I wouldn't have to write you these letters.
Missing you every minute of every day.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
I miss this smile~
Today was a pretty sad/bad/lonely day. Since I have lived with you for over six years, I would like to think I understood what you were going through with your depression and bipolar, but I guess I didn't understand it enough. I know that you suffered a lot. The demons you battled daily. The uncontrollable, racing thoughts. The sleepless nights. The physical pain. The hopelessness, fear, and anxiety. You once said to me that you had days that literally felt like one big panic attack. While I could see the pain in your eyes and sympathize with you and try to listen and understand, I never walked a day in your shoes, so I could never really FULLY comprehend what you had to live with. I'm glad you aren't suffering anymore.
That being said, now I'm the one suffering. Now I'm the one with the battle. The fight that is life. Finding the energy to get up each day, to breathe sometimes. This is my daily existence. I know you want me to be happy and find the joy that is life, but I find it damn near IMPOSSIBLE to even get out of bed some days. Let alone shower, shave my legs, cook, or clean. Thank God for Max, he has been my saving grace through all of this. He jumps on the bed and licks my face and tells me, "Mama, can we go for a walk please?"
I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I'm just grieving. Possibly a little PTSD in there too somewhere. I have racing thoughts at night, vivid recollections of that horrible day I found you, and I go over every detail in my mind about what could have happened. I drive myself crazy with my own thoughts. I stay up all night, because even though my body is exhausted, my mind is racing. I am a widow. That word is only supposed to be for old people. I'm too young to be a widow!!! My entire world has been turned upside down. I don't have a "normal" anymore. My therapist is helping me try to find a "new normal" but I don't want new! I want YOU! I want our old life back! I would give anything babe. But what gives me solace is knowing you aren't sad anymore. Your depression is gone. No more ups & downs and no more pain!
Your pain and suffering is now mine, and I gladly accept it, because I know I will get through this. I only wish I could have taken some of the stress off your back a little sooner, so you didn't have to live with it for so long. Perhaps if you'd have shared the burden a little sooner, you would still be here and I wouldn't have to write you these letters.
Missing you every minute of every day.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
I miss this smile~
Sunday, April 3, 2011
6 weeks
Dear Eric,
Today marks 6 weeks you have been gone. Once my favorite day of the week, Sundays will never be the same for me. On Friday I walked through the cold & flu aisle at CVS and it made me cry, because it made me think of you. How whenever I would get the slightest bit sick, or a hint of a sore throat, or a little cough, you would run to the store and buy all the cold medicine you could find to make me better. You would always take such good care of me. The crazy thing is, the next day I woke up sick with the flu and I've been in bed since then. I guess my body finally gave into all the stress, lack of sleep and me not taking care of myself.
Something else happened on Friday. I got into a big fight with your sister. She text me out of nowhere saying, "So you had a garage sale with my brother's stuff? What did you sell for $53? And who did you sell his car to?" I felt attacked by her questions and immediately went on the defense, telling her it wasn't "your" stuff, it was "our" stuff that I sold at the garage sale - dishes, tupperware, a toaster, and a broken x-box. Like I would ever sell family heirlooms at a freakin garage sale?! And the truck! I have heard enough about the truck. First of all, it was MY truck to begin with. It meant nothing to you, and you never liked it. I would have loved to sell it to Jason, or Jennifer, or Debby, but quite honestly, none of them could afford it, and I need money to pay the $67,000 in debt we have from the short sale of our home in Texas. Someone paid me full asking price, upfront, in cash, no questions asked. I am not in a position to finance it to someone, then rely on monthly payments to pay my own bills.
So then when I tried explaining all of this to Jennifer, she went off on me and said, "YOU killed my brother, bitch." Then hung up on me. Those words stung. More than a lot. I am already overwhelmed with grief and guilt about your death. I have been under the impression that some of your family blames me for your death. I guess I was right. But its not fair. A lot of them are in denial that you were diagnosed manic depressive and bipolar. "I've known Eric his whole life and he was never depressed before.. He always seemed fine.." They didn't live with you for the last nine years of your adult life. They had no idea the demons you battled on a daily basis. They are taking their denial and projecting it on me to make me feel guilty. Because what I'm going through isn't enough. Because I already don't blame myself enough.
If any of them had ANY idea the situation that fell on my lap with your passing, with your warehouses, our financial issues, leases, landlords, and other deals I was unaware of, (on top of the grief, guilt, confusion, and just about every other emotion in the book I deal with daily) they would probably shut up and leave me be. But no. They want "stuff." If they REALLY knew you, they would know that material things meant absolutely nothing to you. Either way, I still have all of it. When I am ready to part with some of it, I will.
Oh Eric, why did this happen? My every thought is consumed entirely of you. About your life. About your death. About how you must have felt. About what you were thinking when you laid down on the couch that last time. I can't get the image of you out of my head, blue and cold, and unresponsive when I was trying to shake you. I wish I were dead instead of you. You were the better person and you did not deserve to die. A part of me died that day, and I know I will never be the same.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
Laguna Seca '06
Today marks 6 weeks you have been gone. Once my favorite day of the week, Sundays will never be the same for me. On Friday I walked through the cold & flu aisle at CVS and it made me cry, because it made me think of you. How whenever I would get the slightest bit sick, or a hint of a sore throat, or a little cough, you would run to the store and buy all the cold medicine you could find to make me better. You would always take such good care of me. The crazy thing is, the next day I woke up sick with the flu and I've been in bed since then. I guess my body finally gave into all the stress, lack of sleep and me not taking care of myself.
Something else happened on Friday. I got into a big fight with your sister. She text me out of nowhere saying, "So you had a garage sale with my brother's stuff? What did you sell for $53? And who did you sell his car to?" I felt attacked by her questions and immediately went on the defense, telling her it wasn't "your" stuff, it was "our" stuff that I sold at the garage sale - dishes, tupperware, a toaster, and a broken x-box. Like I would ever sell family heirlooms at a freakin garage sale?! And the truck! I have heard enough about the truck. First of all, it was MY truck to begin with. It meant nothing to you, and you never liked it. I would have loved to sell it to Jason, or Jennifer, or Debby, but quite honestly, none of them could afford it, and I need money to pay the $67,000 in debt we have from the short sale of our home in Texas. Someone paid me full asking price, upfront, in cash, no questions asked. I am not in a position to finance it to someone, then rely on monthly payments to pay my own bills.
So then when I tried explaining all of this to Jennifer, she went off on me and said, "YOU killed my brother, bitch." Then hung up on me. Those words stung. More than a lot. I am already overwhelmed with grief and guilt about your death. I have been under the impression that some of your family blames me for your death. I guess I was right. But its not fair. A lot of them are in denial that you were diagnosed manic depressive and bipolar. "I've known Eric his whole life and he was never depressed before.. He always seemed fine.." They didn't live with you for the last nine years of your adult life. They had no idea the demons you battled on a daily basis. They are taking their denial and projecting it on me to make me feel guilty. Because what I'm going through isn't enough. Because I already don't blame myself enough.
If any of them had ANY idea the situation that fell on my lap with your passing, with your warehouses, our financial issues, leases, landlords, and other deals I was unaware of, (on top of the grief, guilt, confusion, and just about every other emotion in the book I deal with daily) they would probably shut up and leave me be. But no. They want "stuff." If they REALLY knew you, they would know that material things meant absolutely nothing to you. Either way, I still have all of it. When I am ready to part with some of it, I will.
Oh Eric, why did this happen? My every thought is consumed entirely of you. About your life. About your death. About how you must have felt. About what you were thinking when you laid down on the couch that last time. I can't get the image of you out of my head, blue and cold, and unresponsive when I was trying to shake you. I wish I were dead instead of you. You were the better person and you did not deserve to die. A part of me died that day, and I know I will never be the same.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
Laguna Seca '06
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