Happy Anniversary

Dear Eric,

Happy Anniversary. It feels weird that you aren't here to say it back. This morning when I got out of bed, an earplug fell by my feet. I haven't worn earplugs since I've lived here. I take it as a sign you are with me. I know you are watching over me, guiding me, and keeping me safe.

Fall has always been my favorite season. That's why I chose a fall wedding. Ours was beautiful. Perfect in every way. I haven't been as excited for fall this year as I usually am. This year, fall marks yet another month you have been gone, and another season you will miss. I will always remember September 28, 2007 as the day you made me the happiest woman in the world. The day you made me your wife. Today is no exception. I have been kind of dreading this day because I knew I would be alone, no husband to celebrate our anniversary with. I can't really "celebrate" anymore, because its not really a celebration unless you're here.

It sucks feeling like I started something with you I will never get to finish. There are so many couples around me whose marriages are falling apart, or women who complain about their husbands. I just want to shake them and remind them how lucky they are to have found someone who vowed to spend the rest of their days with them. For most, that's a once-in-a-lifetime thing. For me at least. I will never get married again. I will never NOT be Mrs. Coston.

Happy Anniversary babe.

Love Always,
your babygirl


the "traditional" gift for 4 years of marriage is plants or flowers. Happy Anniversary my love. I hope your soul is at ease~

its been awhile

Dear Eric,

It's been awhile since I've written. I've been keeping myself pretty busy. I was in Las Vegas for six weeks hanging out and planning Desi's baby shower. It was a huge success. I was having a hard time feeling creative but once I got the ball rolling, the ideas kept flowing. It was hands down the best party I've ever thrown, with the exception of your surprise 40th birthday party.

Last weekend was Labor Day Weekend and I invited Jake & Lindsey and the kids and a few other friends to my mom's place for a beach day and barbecue. We had a great time but, like always, I kept thinking how much I wished you were there. I always feel your presence though. Also over the weekend there were some fires in Steiner Ranch. 25 homes less than a mile from our house were destroyed in the fire, and another 20 were damaged. I just wanted to tell you so bad. I hate that I can't pick up the phone, or walk into the next room and see you. I think about your touch, your smile, your hugs, your laugh. Its killing me inside. Everyone says, "your'e so strong." And I just think to myself, "Yeah- on the outside. On the inside I'm falling the fuck apart."

This week I started working again. I've been going in & helping Matt at his warehouse. I need the money, but I don't know how much longer I can continue working there. Its hard being there, in the place you helped build, in the place we used to work at together. It just brings back so many memories. Not that the memories aren't good, its just hard and I kind of feel like a fresh start might be better suited for me right now. Theres a few new people working there, one of them is this girl Stephanie who is really cool and super nice. She had no idea who I was, who you are, or what my story is. But she said she picks up on people's energy really quickly and that my energy was "solemn and reserved." She also said that she sensed that I also have a good energy around me, that maybe I have a guardian angel. How did she know that?! I like her. As you know, I pick up on people's energy and vibes right away too. You always told me, if you have a feeling about someone or something, it always turns out to be true, and that I needed to speak up because you were always so quick to trust people who weren't deserving. I hated hearing that my energy is solemn. I HATE it. I know I put it out there, and that I basically have no control over it. I feel like my energy is usually positive, uplifting, and peaceful. I don't want to be the Debbie Downer in the room. I know those types of people are so draining to be around. How can I get out of this funk? Its true though, I must admit, I have been feeling depressed lately. I still feel sad about your death. I will never NOT feel sad about it. But at some times, its easier to talk about and accept. And at other times, I just can NOT comprehend it AT ALL. Sometimes I see someone that looks like you, and I have to fight the urge to call your name. I still feel like one day I will run into you while I'm at the grocery store, or out walking Max. We walked down our old street the other day. We walked on the opposite side of the house, and I don't think Max recognized it. I ran into Steve, our old neighbor on Sunday on Main Street. He had to put Betcher down, his German Shepard. He was so old and weak. Makes me sad. He got a new all-black German Shepard thats so sweet though. He asked how I was, and told me to keep smiling. What a great neighbor he was. Speaking of neighbors, I have been hanging out with this girl Amanda, and her boyfriend Joseph quite a bit. They live across the street from my mom's. I always think about how great you & him would get along. He's a Steeler's fan too! They watch UFC and they love Joe Rogan, sports, and music. It just makes me so sad that I am making all these great new memories without you. I know that you want me to be happy and live my life to the fullest, so that's what I'm trying to do. I even started a bucket list. You never made a bucket list, but I'm pretty sure you did most of the things you wanted to do. Because if you wanted something, you did it! No matter what anyone says! Hey, I was thinking about spreading some of your ashes in Brazil, how would you feel about that? It looks so beautiful there, and I don't know why, but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Let me know, k?

Love and miss you.

Love Always,
your babygirl~

Fernando Beach Brazil

dreams

Dear Eric,

I think its time to go back to therapy. I have been having nightmares again. Every time you are in my dreams, its never good. Like I can't just have a happy dream with you in it. Whenever I see you in my dreams, I am telling you that you are dead, and you won't believe me. I have to CONVINCE you. And last night in my dream, I actually saw your face. We were kind of arguing, and I was yelling at you that you are dead. Its so weird, and then I wake up and feel like "what the hell just happened?" Why am I having to explain to YOU that YOU are dead?

Maybe its my own mind trying to explain it to myself.

Love Always,
your babygirl~

Sunday

Dear Eric,

Today was probably one of the best Sunday's I've had in awhile. Since you died on a Sunday, I was pretty sure I would never be able to enjoy that day of the week ever again. But, as time goes on, I am starting to find a little more peace and acceptance of the situation I have found myself in. I try to keep myself busy and surrounded by nature, beauty, and fun, positive people, especially on the weekends when I tend to get lonely.

Finding myself at almost 30 years old and having to essentially start my life all over again from scratch has left me feeling helpless. Not to mention I don't have the one person in my life who helped steer me in the right direction whenever I needed guidance. The day you died, you took so much more than you. You took our future, our life, our plans, and half of me. Half of my heart, half of my soul, and half of "we." Now I am left with nothing, with nowhere to go, and my head spins at the thought of "where do I go from here?"

Today though, was one of those days where I found myself feeling peaceful, basking in the sun, running through the sand, smiling, laughing, and playing on the beach with company you would have enjoyed. I am making a lot of new friends. I wish you were here to meet them. I always think to myself, "Eric would totally get along with them." And I feel sad they will never get to know you, the man I was so proud to call my husband.

I hope that, wherever you are, that you are looking down on me, happy and smiling. I hope I am making you proud, because that's all I ever wanted to do. Because that's what you always did for me. And so much more.

I know you wouldn't want me to hate Sundays, because that was always our favorite day. It was hard for me at first, but I am really trying to love things again, the way I know you would have wanted me to. I hope I'm doing right by you.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


Beach Sundays with your best friend

random thoughts

Dear Eric,

I drove by our old apartment today. Someone is renting it. I saw a surfboard leaning up against the window, so I guess its okay, since they are probably cool. I don't know why it bothered me so much to see that someone else had moved in. Maybe because it was the last place we shared together; the place where you died. To think that I will be living alone from this point forward makes no sense to me. Its like I am moving backwards in life. I am completely lost without you. You were my compass.

Today I took Max to the dog beach. He played and swam until he had swallowed so much sea water he was throwing up. When we got home I started running his bath water, and guess what?! He jumped right in, on his own! Oh, I wanted to tell you so bad! Remember how much he used to HATE baths?! He would hide when someone would turn the shower on. And today he just hopped right in, what a trip. Its moments like these that I miss you so much it pains me, literally.

Tomorrow is Pub Crawl. I can't believe this is the 8th year! Remember we went to the 2nd and 3rd together! We always had a great time, and some of my favorite memories are from those trips. It definitely wont be the same without you, although I went alone last year also, because you didn't want to go. Its different this time though.

For some reason, I keep imagining what our reunion will be like. I keep picturing myself bumping into you on the street. I visualize what you look like, what your reaction is to seeing me, and mine to yours. It haunts me. Does my subconscious think you aren't dead? Am I stuck in this daydream? Its like my mind somehow thinks you are just wandering around Seal Beach, looking for me. I know its not true, but I wish it was.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


our first pub crawl ♥

Austin and the Fourth of July

Dear Eric,

The past few weeks have been so busy. Can you believe it's already July and the year is already half over? It's been 5 months since you died. It feels like forever. I replay that day I found you over and over in my head. Will that ever go away?

Austin was good. The trip was a lot better than I could have expected, even though I had to fight the urge to keep calling you and tell you about stuff. I can't believe it has been almost 3 years since we moved from there. I stayed with Terra the first half of the trip and we hit the lake, floated the river, went downtown and partied. We had a good time doin what we do best - being HAM's. Sencond half of my trip I stayed with the Bighearts. We went to all our favorite Tex-Mex restaurants, the Alamo, and my last night, they made ham dinner. Everyone from the neighborhood came, and some softball peeps. It was so awesome. I wished you could have been there to enjoy it with us, but I know you were there in spirit. Earlier that day, Jen, Lance and I took some of your ashes and scattered them on Lake Austin. They shimmered and glistened in the water as the current took you downstream. It was really very beautiful. Now you will never have to miss the lake again babe.

The 4th of July weekend was pretty good. Desi & Matt came here with Murphy and stayed here at my mom's. We hung out at the beach a lot, and made some awesome dinners. 4th of July we made your favorite - Alaskan king crab legs. I remember how you would always crack mine for me, and pull out the meat for me so I could eat, before you even touched your own. You were so good to me. Matt had bought some illegal fireworks in Pahrump, and we tried setting them off, but we couldn't find a place where they weren't prohibited. The actual 4th was pretty hard. Dez & Matt left and I was alone, and made plans to go out, but everyone flaked. Another harsh reality check of how you can't depend on others to come through when you need them. I could always count on you though. Something I guess I took for granted. Anyway, I got really emotional remembering how we used to celebrate the 4th together, doing fun stuff, and remembering 4th of July's in the past - 2009 being the most memorable. That was the best weekend ever. I ended up crying myself to sleep, missing the fireworks on purpose. I guess I don't feel right celebrating without you. Maybe I never will. I know the next few months are going to be hard too - our anniversary, your birthday, the birth of my niece, and of course the holidays. Not really looking forward to any of it, because I know I will be alone without you.

Missing you every minute of every day. This never gets any easier.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


you and Drew ~ 4th of July 2009 on Lake Travis


you & I ~ 4th of July 2009 Lake Travis

can you die of a broken heart?

Dear Eric,

Its 3:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. I feel scared. Scared to go to sleep because I'm afraid I won't wake up. I'm not scared of death. I actually welcome it. I'm scared of my mom or someone else having to find me in the condition I found you in. I'm scared to leave Max here alone and no one to take care of him. I'm scared I will never get to meet my niece and how it would affect my sister. I'm scared of what it would do to my family, as I have already placed a huge burden on them already with my grief and sadness.

Over the past few months, I have been having chest pains, which seem to be getting worse over the last couple weeks, and even worse the last few days. I can actually feel my heart slowing down and skipping beats, which causes me to gasp for my breath. I'm also having digestive issues and stomach problems. Like stabbing pains in my stomach. I literally feel like I am going to die.

Can you die of a broken heart?

Love Always,
your babygirl~

grief

Dear Eric,

This is so weird. Surreal. Sitting here on the bed in your favorite t-shirt, surrounded by your stuff. Your cell phone, your backpack, your wedding ring, your wallet. And you are sitting right next to me, except you are in this shiny black box -- ashes. How is it that you are ASHES now?! I don't get it. I don't think I will ever understand.

I just have this weird, eerie feeling.. You are not coming back, EVER. The next time I see you, I will be dead too. How can this possibly be? I had a conversation with Lance today. He said he was watching MotoGP on tv and he couldn't enjoy it, though I know you would want him to. All these things, the little things, like banana pancakes, motorcycles, seeing surfers on the beach -- will always make me think of you. YOU WERE MY WHOLE LIFE. Now I don't even know what "life" means anymore.

Whenever I pictured my life in the future, I never pictured you NOT in it with me. We were supposed to grow old together. Have kids, raise a family together. Losing you has left me with so much grief. Grief no one can understand unless they have lost their husband or wife. I grieve for the one I loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one I swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage. The one I shared the ultimate partnership with to live as one. The one who embodied my true sense of home. The one who was my best friend and who was to be my companion for life. The one I confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted me as I was. The one I felt safe and protected with. The one I shared private moments and intimate feelings with. The one I mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from my life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. Losing you has left me with many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For I also suffer: The loss of who I was myself while I was with you. The loss of the couple I was once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the wife role I once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.

Amidst all this, I am also suddenly confronted with many hardships I never expected to face at this point in my life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens, and additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to me. I must now find it within myself to create a new identity. To redefine my role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for my future.

And I must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they don't hold me back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of your death. I must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow me as I attempt to move forward, but with my heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.

And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of my life in the worst state imaginable. When I am the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted I have ever been. Without that one person I long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get me through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided me emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence I need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now I face all this alone.

ALONE.

Love Always,
your babygirl~

can't stop thinking about you

Dear Eric,

I can't stop thinking about you today. You are the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. At first, you were the only thing I could think about, but lately I find myself more occupied and while you frequent my thoughts often, I don't spend nearly as many days with my thoughts entirely consumed of only you. Today, though, was one of those days I just couldn't get you out of my head.

Being let down, and disappointment, is probably one of the WORST feelings in the world. And lately, I've been feeling it alot. You were the only person I could ever count on. You never disappointed me. In fact, you were the one who always made me feel better when other people let me down. Today, not a single person called or text me that I didn't initiate the conversation. Is that how my life is going to be? Am I always going to have to be the one to make plans, or start a conversation? I have been feeling "rejected" and let down by many of my so-called friends. Sure, sometimes being alone is nice, but not always. I would like the option at least. Most of my friends have their husband or boyfriend to hang out with and do nothing with on a Saturday night. Not me. Its just me & Max. At least I have him. We take a LOT of long walks these days. Not much else to do when no one else is around.

Earlier today I was looking at Father's Day cards for my dad when I stumbled upon the exact card I got for you from Max last year. The one with the dog on it that looks just like Max with a blue bow tie on it. It made me tear up and I had to leave immediately. These are the little things I miss, and will continue to miss. The silliness of Max giving you a Father's Day card. Even though you are his daddy. We raised him as our son, we even called him "the baby," not the dog. We raised him from a puppy with the intentions of, "if we can keep him alive and well, we might do okay as parents." Well, that will never happen now. All of these overwhelming emotions, with just the very sight of one silly card. The dog with the bow tie.

In exactly two weeks, I am going to Austin. It seemed like a good idea at the time, when I booked my tickets. I was in a great mood and being spontaneous, but now I'm not so sure. Austin was, and will always be a very special place for me. But now I realize all the things that made it so special for me are all directly tied to you. We got engaged on the lake. Austin is where we bought our first home together and spent the first years of our marriage. The people we met there became our family, and sad as it is to say, I don't know if I will feel the same way with you not there. I never thought I would be making a trip to Austin without you. Austin was never even on my radar, it was YOU who found it, and made our dreams a reality. All of my fondest memories there are with YOU. Now I am sitting here thinking to myself, "why would I think it was a good idea to go back there... without him?" I have been thinking about scattering some of your ashes on Lake Austin, where we pretty much spend 90% of our time. You used to talk about how much you LOVED that lake. I loved watching you wakeboard. You never ceased to amaze me with your natural athletic ability and I loved that so much about you. Now I feel like that lake will never be the same for me again. Your wedding ring is on the bottom of that lake. I know you loved Austin and especially Lake Austin, but I don't know if you would want your ashes there. We never really talked about this stuff.

I just don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know if I will ever really get any "closure" -- whatever that means. I have so many unanswered questions, thoughts and dreams that are quite disturbing. When will this stop? When will I find some peace? Am I going to be okay? Help me out babe. I know you are listening.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


Lake Austin, Summer 2009



Wakesurfing Lake Austin, Summer 2009



Always on a boat. On the lake.

we share the same soul

Dear Eric,

There is absolutely NOTHING I wouldn't give for one of your hugs. The way I am feeling today can only be described as, "I need a hug." I keep having visions of us reuniting, hugging and kissing. It kills me that you aren't just in the next room.

I still feel so close to you. I remember when we first started talking. It was so natural and comfortable. It was never weird or awkward with you. You are, and always have been my soulmate. We have always "gotten" each other, understood each other on a deeper level than most, and loved each other fiercely. It makes me sad that my soulmate has already moved on to the next life, selfishly, because I am here without you. It seems like most people spend their whole life searching for their soulmate. I have already found mine and now its gone. I don't believe you have more than one soulmate. I believe I have already found that one true love, that special connection, and while it makes me sad that its "over" here on earth, I am so happy and extremely grateful that I was able to have that, with you. I know I will never have that again, but thats okay. I wouldn't want it again, not with anyone else.

Sometimes when I think about our relationship, our love, our memories, and everything that made us "US" I find myself smiling. I can honestly say you made me a better person without even trying. You are the best man I will ever know. I wish that I had told you all of these things more often. I would give my life just to see you one more time, if even just for a moment. Life is pretty unbearable without you. I wish it would hurry up and be over sometimes. But for now, all I can do is try to honor you and your life by being the good person you helped show me how to be, and to try and live my life to the fullest possible.

Til we meet again my love~

Love Always,
your babygirl~

I would rather have a husband

Dear Eric,

It's been awhile since I've written. I've been trying to keep myself busy and stay occupied. I was in Vegas for a couple weeks and I went to Florida to see Gram for a week. She is really declining babe. She has nurses that do 99% of her cooking & cleaning and she barely gets out of the house these days. She can't walk. She forgets stuff now. I remember how you used to describe her to people-- you used to talk about how usually when people age, their mind is the first to go, but that in Marie's case, her body is crumbling but her mind is still sharp as a tack. Not anymore. She asks me the same questions and repeats the same stories, and can't even remember what we had for lunch. Its sad. I remember always thinking how strong she is. Its been over 12 years since Grandpa died, and even before I lost my own husband, I remember thinking I could never fathom having lost someone whom you had loved for over 50 years. I truly believe that Gram & Grandpa had that special, unique, rare, once-in-a-lifetime type of love. Not everyone has that. We did. We definitely did. I never thought it possible to love someone as much as I love you. Most of my time in Florida, I was sick. I felt physically ill. Body aches, sore throat, sneezing, etc. Most of the trip I laid on the couch with Gram and watched TV. My sister is convinced I am "depressed." I am definitely SAD. Possibly depressed, but I wouldn't say I have "depression." I think mostly that being there was so bittersweet this time. While it was so great to see Gram & Aunt Anna and spend some time at the beach actually swimming in the ocean, I kept wanting to call you and tell you about my day, and kept having to stop myself. I would lay in bed and cry at night, every single night. I don't know why THAT week, of all weeks was such a bad one. I just missed having you there. I miss you every day.

After Florida, we flew back into Vegas and I stayed there for Memorial Day. Partied my ass off all weekend, slept all week, and drove back to Cali today. When I got home I got the letter from the coroner's office stating your cause of death. Acute polydrug intoxication. Its not the actual toxicology report, but from what this letter says, they make it sound like it was an accidental overdose which is what I had always thought from the beginning. I know you would never intentionally leave me & Max here to figure things out on our own. I know you would never want to see me in such pain. And not only that, but you promised you would never hurt yourself on purpose. I believed you then. I believe you still. But it almost makes it worse now. Like you didn't mean for this to happen. So now the anger is gone and I'm even more sad because this was an accident and it wasn't supposed to go down like this.

I'm so sorry babe. I should have been there. I know I keep saying it, but I will always have regret for not being there. I had no idea how much medication you were taking, or what you were taking in the first place. If I had been there none of this would have happened.

People keep saying I am lucky, that I have a guardian angel for life now. But I would still rather have a husband.

Miss you so much it hurts.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


You having a quiet moment, enjoying the serenity of Gram's backyard in Florida~

show me where I'm going

Dear Eric,

Last weekend was Mother's Day. It was also your mom's birthday. I can't even imagine how she must have felt, not being able to hear the voice of her only son on Mother's Day. I got her a card, but wasn't able to find the right words, so I didn't give it to her. I did get her a nice gift though. I bought her a beautiful gold locket and put two pictures of you in it - a baby picture and a recent one. She loved it.

I have been missing you so much. Right now I'm at my mom's in Vegas and I opened the suitcases that have your clothes in them. Seeing your stuff literally reduced me down to nothing. I don't know what it is about your clothes & shoes that makes it so hard for me. I guess its because they are the things you wore on your body. The body I will never get to see again. The body I will never get to feel or touch again. I just still can't believe you are gone forever.

I still can't get the image out of my head of you laying on the beanbag, cold and blue. Laying there for 2 days before I found you. I still feel so guilty about not being there. You were in such a low place when I left for Vegas that week. I don't know why I left you, knowing how down you were. You said you were okay. I just wish I would have known, so I could have done something. Every day, I think to myself, "what if I would have come home sooner?" Would you still be here? What could I have done? I just can't wrap my head around this whole thing.

This week I'm going to Florida with my sister to see Gram. I know how much she loves you and you loved her. She always talks about how handsome you are and what a kind and gentle soul you have. I am looking forward to seeing her and spending some time down there. I think it will be good for me to get away for awhile.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you have found some peace. I hope you are watching over me and guiding me in the right direction. I have no idea where I'm going or where I'm headed. I have always followed you, so now I'm lost without you. Help me babe, I know you can hear me.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


Mother's Day Locket

if we stick together

Dear Eric,

I just read a bunch of old emails you sent me. I kept almost every single one.

This is part of one you wrote to me awhile back:

I want you, I need you and I love you very, very much. I have never felt more committed, or felt so much love for someone as I do for you. I would gladly give my life for you...and I have never felt so much love and commitment from someone as I feel from you. I feel like I say "I love you" a lot but in many ways I am not showing you that I love you through my actions (as you know actions speak louder than words). I feel like we are a huge ship sailing the ocean wandering aimlessly without a solid idea of where we want to go and how we are going to get there. I KNOW THERE IS A BETTER LIFE OUT THERE FOR US IF WE STICK TOGETHER.

What happened to us sticking together?!?! You left me here to sail the ship alone!

Love Always,
your babygirl~

easter & the grand canyon

Dear Eric,

Last weekend I celebrated my first holiday without you. It was Easter. I know we didn't really have any real Easter traditions, but it sucked not getting to make you an Easter basket this year and filling it with fun goodies and your favorite candy. My mom, Desi, Matt and I went to brunch with your mom after church. Then Desi, Matt and I took Max to my Dad's and swam in the pool, ate dinner, and shot a sniper rifle from the kitchen window into the backyard at a target. Lol - you would have LOVED it! All in all, it was a pretty good Easter, even though all I could think about was, "Why isn't he here?!?!"

Remember last Easter? We went to Coral Pink with Roc, the Lee's and the Taggart's. Remember hiding the eggs for the kids (and then helping Syd and Hannah to find them?) Oh, and the chocolate "poop" on Roc's toothbrush! Such a great Easter weekend, with great friends, riding quads in the sand. Waking up to snow that morning, and gazing at stars at night. Even the drive there and back were some great memories. Changing the tire on the side of the road.. omg so sketch! I will never forget that trip.

I also went to the Grand Canyon last weekend with your family. It was Steve & Kim, Matt & Kristina, Kent & Sophie, Todd & his wife, Jason and his girlfriend, and of course all the kids. There were 21 of us Costons! It was a truly amazing experience. The Grand Canyon was beautiful and magnificent. It was great spending that time with your family and bonding with them and the kids. Of course we all missed you and wished you were there to enjoy it with us. I thought about scattering some of your ashes there, but I'm not ready yet.

I just miss you so freakin much babe. I still can't believe you are gone and never coming back. I think about you every second of every day. I hope you know how much I love you and always will.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


sunset at the Grand Canyon 4.22.11



Easter at my Dad's - shooting guns in the house lol


Easter 2010 in Utah

*crickets*

Dear Eric,

So everything has come to a screeching halt. The phone calls, the emails, the texts, the facebook messages. My phone is completely quiet. It seems like everyone else has already moved on and gotten back into their normal groove and forgotten that I am still here, left alone, and no longer have a normal groove. My "normal" ended the day you died and now I have to start over and completely rebuild my life from scratch. I no longer know what my purpose is here on Earth and I have no idea where to start. I am so damn lonely.

A few people have asked me, "How are you?" I have no idea how to respond to that. I am fucked up. I have a deep wound, a huge cut, a hole in my heart that will NEVER go away or heal. There will always be a scar. But for everyone else, life goes on. Its not fair. Its frustrating to see everyone go on as usual, at such a fast pace, while time is literally standing still for me, even though the days are passing. The just have no clue.

I think I have scared everybody off. When people ask how I'm doing, I assume they really want to know, so I tell them. And then they're probably thinking something like, "Geez sorry I asked," or something along those lines. I am not the same "Lane" I used to be. I really feel that way. I truly believe a part of me died with you that day and I will never be the same. When I look at recent pictures of myself, I don't even recognize myself. While I may have a (fake, forced) smile on my face, I look completely dead behind the eyes. I have become a loner, a total pessimist, and a complete Debbie Downer. No wonder no one wants to talk to me or hang out with me.

No one understands the grief I am going through. Everyone wants to compare my loss to the loss of their brother, their grandma, or their dog. Those are all painful losses, but I'm sorry, its not the same. Losing the person with whom you were so close with, shared every secret with, were intimate with, lived with and shared a bed with is a much different, unique and devastating loss. Most people our age can not understand or even try to understand. The mind will just not voluntarily let you imagine such horrific pain. I know its awful to say, but I wish they all could walk in my shoes for ONE DAY so they could feel what I feel, so they wouldn't try to minimize what I am going through. People say things like, "You need to be strong." If there is ever a time when I permitted to be weak, THIS IS IT! Or they will say "You need to get over it and move on, he wants you to be happy." I will NEVER "get over it," - I will learn to live with this and eventually, time will dull the pain, but it will never go away. I do believe you would want me to be happy, and if you saw the front I put on every day to my friends and family to make them believe I am okay, while I sit alone in my bedroom at night crying and praying, kicking and screaming into pillows, you would be upset with me. I do know you want me to be happy. At this point, "happy" does not fit into my vocabulary.

Yes, Pity, party of one, your table is ready.

It's still not fair. I hate life without you. Why did it have to end this way?

Love Always,
your babygirl~

pissed

Dear Eric,

Today I am pissed. I feel mad that I am alone. Pissed Max doesn't have his daddy. I can't even SAY daddy. I am mad that you did this to us.

Dammit. I had a whole bunch of other stuff I was pissed off about, but after typing that last sentence, I am pissed at myself for being mad at you.

Fuck.

Love Always,
your babygirl~

bittersweet

Dear Eric,

Tomorrow will be eight weeks. I can not believe it has been two months since you've been gone. If it hurts this bad now, I don't want to know how bad it will hurt later. The more time that passes, the more I miss you, the more all of this becomes so real.

Today I went sailing with the Repps on their boat in Dana Point. It was a bittersweet day for sure. My first time on a sailboat. I had an amazing time. The weather was perfect, the water was clear, and the kids were laughing and playing on the boat. At one point the boat was completely surrounded by dolphins, literally HUNDREDS of them! It was so magical and beautiful.

There was one thing missing: YOU. All I could think about was how we had talked about this all winter, how we were going to go sailing with the Repps this summer, how you were so excited to get back out on the water. Jake needed his first mate. Lindsey and I aren't the greatest at handling ropes, sails, or even steering for that matter, lol. All the sailing lingo & the "work" involved with maneuvering a boat that large.. right up your alley babe. The whole time I had this lump in my throat, like I wanted to cry, but I was smiling at the same time. Very bittersweet.

I wished you could have been there for this perfect day, but Lindsey swears that seeing the dolphins were a sign you were with us. ♥

Love you SO much and missing you more each day.

Love Always,
Your babygirl~


dolphins chasing our boat, Dana Point, California

I hate that you aren't here

Dear Eric,

I have tried over the last few weeks to be positive and optimistic about this situation and about my future without you. Its really hard though. Its hard to put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy when really, I just want to lay in bed and cry all day, and on some days, I wish I was dead too. I hate life without you.

I hate that I have no one to come home to.
I hate that I have no one to talk to.
I hate that people have chosen to pull away from me, rather than reach out and try to help.
I hate that I feel like I'm going though this alone.
I hate that no one understands.
I hate that Max doesn't have his daddy anymore.
I hate feeling like a miserable, lonely old widow.
I hate the word "widow."
I hate that, because I'm always so down, no one wants to talk to me.
I hate that your mom lost her only son and I have no words to console or comfort her.
I hate that my sister's baby will never know you.
I hate that all of our plans for the future are gone.
I hate not being able to see you, hear your laugh, or feel your touch.
I hate that everyone else gets to go back to their normal routine, and I no longer have a "normal"
I hate that I have to start over completely. I am scared shitless.
I hate that I can't sleep at night. Or during the day. Or at all.
I hate that I've lost so much weight, none of my clothes fit me anymore.
I hate that the last time I saw you, you were dead.
I hate that I feel like its somehow my fault you are gone.
I hate that I feel like I am never going to be the same.
I hate that I have lost my spark and the passion for just about everything I used to do and love.
I hate that my circle is getting smaller.
I hate that I have to move back to Las Vegas. Alone. Without you.
I hate answering the phone.
I hate wondering what was going through your mind when you laid down on the couch that last time.
I hate feeling scared all the time.
I hate not getting texts or calls from you anymore.
I hate that I have to eventually disconnect your phone and someone else will get the phone number you've had for 16 years.
I hate eating.
I hate drinking.
I hate taking Max for walks alone.
I hate Sundays.
I hate having to sell things that were yours.
I hate that I can't listen to Jack Johnson without crying.
I hate that I am so scatter-brained these days. I can't seem to get it together.
I hate that you had to die alone.
I hate everything I do, everywhere I go, reminds me of you and makes me want to cry.
I hate talking about you in the past-tense.
I HATE THAT YOU AREN'T HERE.

Love Always,
your babygirl~

things I never got to say

Dear Eric,

Today I went on a long bike ride and got to thinking.. There are so many things that made you "you" that I loved about you. I miss our inside jokes. I miss saying things that only YOU would get. I started thinking about some of these things that I appreciated about you that I may not have gotten to tell you:

•Mmmmbabe
•Byeeeee *Stu from The Hangover voice*
•The way you would play the same song over & over (and still not get sick of it)
•“jew don’t know how to talk to somebody”
•“put some socks on”
•Falling asleep with the TV on
•Making fun of me for being a tree-hugging hippy but then always picking up trash off the beach
•Your edginess – never going with the crowd
•How you would make forts for Max out of blankets
•Banana pancakes
•Naked Sundays
•Making me do push-ups whenever I would break my New Years resolutions
•Peanut butter dreams
•SOTB
•Your robot voice
•Glatheths
•Your thoughtful gifts. You really listened.
•The way you had relationships with my family outside of me.
•Waffle House
•The way you would never talk bad about anyone behind their back or gossip.
•Putting clothes on Max and taking funny pictures
•Prank wars (these never ended well for me)
•Tickle time
•The way you called me your babygirl and your angel
•Your competitiveness and the way you gave 110% to anything you did
•The way I always felt safe when I was with you. We could be stranded in the middle of nowhere and you could get us out of there
•The way you Velcro everything
•Echo Mike Charlie
•The way you would always ask the waitress what their specials were, make her go through all of it, then order spaghetti
•The blue sheet
•Moto GP is cool *nerd voice*
•I’m making Dominoes for dinner
•“I can’t do it, can you just do it for me?”
•Joe Rogan
•The way you always put the toilet seat down
•Your lists & your organizer
•Our songs to Max
•The way you always took videos
•Watching you surf, wakeboard, box, or play softball. Sexy!
•How you would let me cut your hair and give you silly haircuts
•Going on tropical vacations during hurricane season
•Gangster rap
•I’m training to be a cage fighter
•Movie montages
•Food fights in the middle of restaurants
•Getting tickets for playing music too loud in your truck
•The way you always say “yes please” or “no thank you”
•Big booty Judy
•“Survival of the fittest”
•Your sarcasm, wit, and sense of humor
•Your hugs. Your kisses. Your warmth.
•The way you could make anyone feel comfortable and welcome, especially in awkward situations
•The side eye!
•“you can’t just put pineapple on something and call it Hawaiian”
•Your complete trust and faith in me

This list could go on and on, but these are just a few of the things I loved and miss about you. So much of you has made me who I am today. I am a better person because of you. I feel blessed to have had you in my life for nine years. I wish you eternal peace my love.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


our first camping trip at Glamis Valentines weekend 2004

7 weeks

Dear Eric,

You have been gone for 7 weeks today. SEVEN WEEKS. It feels like forever. It still doesn't feel real. It kind of just feels like you are on vacation or something. But I know you are never coming home.

Last night I went out with Andrea & some friends for her birthday. I had fun but i hated driving home knowing I wouldn't be coming home to you. I used to love going out, and I always felt so grateful I had a GOOD MAN to come home to. All these lame-ass douchebags at the club always reminded me how lucky I was to have you. A couple people noticed my rings and asked, "where is your husband?" To which I replied, "he's not here." Ugh, I hate this!

Seth was in town for the Long Beach Grand Prix this weekend. I didn't meet up with him, but it made me remember one year ago when we all rode our bikes there & watched from a tree. That was only a year ago. We had such an amazing weekend, I remember like it was yesterday. I am missing you SO. FREAKING. MUCH. It hurts.


watching the LBGP from a tree - April 2010




us at the Long Beach Grand Prix - April 2010. Look how happy we were!

today was a good day

Dear Eric,

Today was the first decent day I've had since you've been gone. I only cried once! It was a pretty productive day. I showered! I washed and curled my hair. I put on makeup. (Those few things right there are all HUGE accomplishments by the way.) I called Capital One to cancel your credit cards and pay everything off. I made Max an appointment for the vet tomorrow. I paid my parking ticket and some other bills. I did the final walk through on our apartment.

You know what I haven't been doing since you've been gone? Listening to music. Today was the first time I've put my iPod on. I'm not sure why. Music just hasn't sounded the same. But today it helps. All day I listened to my Slightly Stoopid Pandora station. Lots of reggae/rock type stuff. A lil Bob Marley, some Sublime, and of course your favorite, Jack Johnson. JJ will always remind me of you. I am so glad we got to go to that concert last September for our anniversary. I loved how he encored with our favorite song.

Anyway, this is my last week in Cali so I'm trying to get out and enjoy it a little bit. I took Max to the dog beach on Monday. It was weird being there without you. But I still feel your presence and it brings me comfort.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today I feel like I will be okay.

I miss you so much it hurts~

Love Always,
your babygirl~


you took this pic of me & Max at the dog beach the last time we were there together in January, right around the time of my birthday.

now I'm the one with the battle

Dear Eric,

Today was a pretty sad/bad/lonely day. Since I have lived with you for over six years, I would like to think I understood what you were going through with your depression and bipolar, but I guess I didn't understand it enough. I know that you suffered a lot. The demons you battled daily. The uncontrollable, racing thoughts. The sleepless nights. The physical pain. The hopelessness, fear, and anxiety. You once said to me that you had days that literally felt like one big panic attack. While I could see the pain in your eyes and sympathize with you and try to listen and understand, I never walked a day in your shoes, so I could never really FULLY comprehend what you had to live with. I'm glad you aren't suffering anymore.

That being said, now I'm the one suffering. Now I'm the one with the battle. The fight that is life. Finding the energy to get up each day, to breathe sometimes. This is my daily existence. I know you want me to be happy and find the joy that is life, but I find it damn near IMPOSSIBLE to even get out of bed some days. Let alone shower, shave my legs, cook, or clean. Thank God for Max, he has been my saving grace through all of this. He jumps on the bed and licks my face and tells me, "Mama, can we go for a walk please?"

I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I'm just grieving. Possibly a little PTSD in there too somewhere. I have racing thoughts at night, vivid recollections of that horrible day I found you, and I go over every detail in my mind about what could have happened. I drive myself crazy with my own thoughts. I stay up all night, because even though my body is exhausted, my mind is racing. I am a widow. That word is only supposed to be for old people. I'm too young to be a widow!!! My entire world has been turned upside down. I don't have a "normal" anymore. My therapist is helping me try to find a "new normal" but I don't want new! I want YOU! I want our old life back! I would give anything babe. But what gives me solace is knowing you aren't sad anymore. Your depression is gone. No more ups & downs and no more pain!

Your pain and suffering is now mine, and I gladly accept it, because I know I will get through this. I only wish I could have taken some of the stress off your back a little sooner, so you didn't have to live with it for so long. Perhaps if you'd have shared the burden a little sooner, you would still be here and I wouldn't have to write you these letters.

Missing you every minute of every day.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


I miss this smile~

6 weeks

Dear Eric,

Today marks 6 weeks you have been gone. Once my favorite day of the week, Sundays will never be the same for me. On Friday I walked through the cold & flu aisle at CVS and it made me cry, because it made me think of you. How whenever I would get the slightest bit sick, or a hint of a sore throat, or a little cough, you would run to the store and buy all the cold medicine you could find to make me better. You would always take such good care of me. The crazy thing is, the next day I woke up sick with the flu and I've been in bed since then. I guess my body finally gave into all the stress, lack of sleep and me not taking care of myself.

Something else happened on Friday. I got into a big fight with your sister. She text me out of nowhere saying, "So you had a garage sale with my brother's stuff? What did you sell for $53? And who did you sell his car to?" I felt attacked by her questions and immediately went on the defense, telling her it wasn't "your" stuff, it was "our" stuff that I sold at the garage sale - dishes, tupperware, a toaster, and a broken x-box. Like I would ever sell family heirlooms at a freakin garage sale?! And the truck! I have heard enough about the truck. First of all, it was MY truck to begin with. It meant nothing to you, and you never liked it. I would have loved to sell it to Jason, or Jennifer, or Debby, but quite honestly, none of them could afford it, and I need money to pay the $67,000 in debt we have from the short sale of our home in Texas. Someone paid me full asking price, upfront, in cash, no questions asked. I am not in a position to finance it to someone, then rely on monthly payments to pay my own bills.

So then when I tried explaining all of this to Jennifer, she went off on me and said, "YOU killed my brother, bitch." Then hung up on me. Those words stung. More than a lot. I am already overwhelmed with grief and guilt about your death. I have been under the impression that some of your family blames me for your death. I guess I was right. But its not fair. A lot of them are in denial that you were diagnosed manic depressive and bipolar. "I've known Eric his whole life and he was never depressed before.. He always seemed fine.." They didn't live with you for the last nine years of your adult life. They had no idea the demons you battled on a daily basis. They are taking their denial and projecting it on me to make me feel guilty. Because what I'm going through isn't enough. Because I already don't blame myself enough.

If any of them had ANY idea the situation that fell on my lap with your passing, with your warehouses, our financial issues, leases, landlords, and other deals I was unaware of, (on top of the grief, guilt, confusion, and just about every other emotion in the book I deal with daily) they would probably shut up and leave me be. But no. They want "stuff." If they REALLY knew you, they would know that material things meant absolutely nothing to you. Either way, I still have all of it. When I am ready to part with some of it, I will.

Oh Eric, why did this happen? My every thought is consumed entirely of you. About your life. About your death. About how you must have felt. About what you were thinking when you laid down on the couch that last time. I can't get the image of you out of my head, blue and cold, and unresponsive when I was trying to shake you. I wish I were dead instead of you. You were the better person and you did not deserve to die. A part of me died that day, and I know I will never be the same.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


Laguna Seca '06

what happened?

Dear Eric,

So today was the big moving day. It was pretty hard seeing all of our things being taken out of the apartment, one by one, until it was completely empty. I wish I didn't have to move right now. I know our lease was up anyway and we were planning on moving back to Las Vegas soon, but I was not prepared to do all of this alone. I have no energy, even though I sleep a lot lately. JP was so kind to facilitate this entire move and not even charge me for it. Your friends care about you more than I think you knew. When I was speaking at your memorial, I glanced up at one point and noticed that every single seat in the room (all 150 of them!) was taken. There were people standing up in the back, and even more people peeking in from outside. I remember thinking in that moment, "wow, I wish Eric knew how many people's lives he touched in his short time here." You were LOVED. You are MISSED.

I finally brought home the blankie and pillow you were sleeping with when you died. They still smell like you.

I still have no idea what to do with your stuff. Its all packed up in boxes & bins and being taken to my mom's in Vegas. I guess I will deal with it when I am ready. Oh babe, why did this have to happen? I miss hearing your laugh. I miss seeing your smile. I wish this was all a horrible nightmare. I wish I could wake up.

I was just looking at our pics from this time last year.. We were so happy! It was spring, we just moved into our new place, we had so much fun with our friends on the beach! How did things change so much in ONE YEAR!?!? You had been so down these last few months. I wish I could have done something to help you. I just don't know what happened. What went wrong. I guess it was just too much. I hope you know how much I love you. I always will.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


a pic from one of our bonfire nights in Laguna Beach~

you were gonna be an uncle

Dear Eric,

Sorry I didn't write yesterday. My migraines have come back. I've been getting them 2-3 times a week now, since you died. My head pounds and my heart aches. I talked to your mom a couple days ago. She went in for her biopsy last week. She won't have the results back for nearly four weeks; I pray for everything to be okay. She is completely and utterly broken by your passing. She sounds weak and looks frail. You were her only child, her only son. She said she asked you if she could come visit the weekend you died, why didn't you let her? Now she is feeling regret and guilt, as am I.

I saw you in one of my pictures from the baseball game. I knew you were there with me. Thank you for being there to watch over me.

The movers are coming tomorrow. I have managed to successfully pack up our entire apartment and most of the garage, the storage unit, and your office by myself and with a LOT of help from my family and our friends. When I say "by myself" I mean without you. I folded your clothes and put them in suitcases, as if I were packing you for a trip. I don't know what to do with your things. I gave Jason your camping gear and a lot of your other stuff that he wanted. Alfie has most of your snowboarding gear, Jake will get your surfboard. I am keeping your guitar. I will learn to play it one day, and I will try to learn that Jack Johnson song you were learning to play for me. I will play it for you one day babe. I can't believe I am moving back to Las Vegas. Without you. We planned on going back together. WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME HERE ALONE!?!?!

Max needs his nails clipped. That is your job, I don't know how to do it. Who is gonna clip the baby's nails? He misses you so much daddy.

Speaking of baby. I have been meaning to tell you. The day I found you, Desi found out she is pregnant. I am going to be an aunt. You were going to be an uncle. I was so excited to tell you! I feel like such a dick, because I am constantly sad or grumpy, while she is on cloud 9, as she should be! I want to be happy and excited for her, but its hard to be excited for a new life when all I have been focused on is your death. Ever since we were little girls, we always talked about getting pregnant at the same time, so we could go through it together and our babies would grow up together. Now that will never happen. My little niece or nephew is already being robbed, and its not even born yet. Because it will never know you. You were always so great with kids. You would have been the BEST father. If the baby is a boy, they are naming it after you. I think its a boy *fingers crossed*

Missing you~

Love Always,
your babygirl



my future niece or nephew aka "gummy bear"

my first baseball game

Dear Eric,

Today I went to my first baseball game. Mom got VIP Box tickets from her work for Angels/Dodgers at the Dodger Stadium, so it was just her & I and some people from her office. I have always wanted to go to a baseball game, and we always talked about going together, but never got around to it. I actually had a pretty good time! Thought of you the entire time of course. I thought of how you would have loved the game (it was intense!) I thought of how you would have eaten a couple of Dodger Dogs (just ketchup, no mustard), and drank a Bud Light. I remembered how I would come watch you at softball practice when we first started dating, how sexy I thought you were when I watched you play. I remembered how we used to play softball together that one summer in Austin on that co-ed team with Jen & Lance. Even then, when I watched you play and score run after run, I was so proud of you, so proud to call you my man. We had a so much fun playing together. You taught me so much about all of the things you were passionate about, sports being one of them. I wished you could have been there tonight to enjoy that amazing experience with me, but somehow, I felt like you were.

Love Always,
your babygirl~

whoops

Dear Eric,

Tonight I did something I shouldn't have. Please forgive me. Lindsey came over to our apartment to help me pack our room. (I still can't bring myself to take your clothes out of the closet though.) Anyway, she parked on our street when she came over. When we were done, I drove both of us back to mom's in my car to check on Max. She stayed for a few hours, we ate and talked and took the baby for a walk.

Anyway, it started to get late and she said she was parked on 12th, so I offered to drive her to her car. of course, I asked Max if he wanted to come, and of course he did. then I realized Lindsey meant she parked on OUR street, and not on 12th. when I pulled up to her car, Max was intensely staring at our house from the backseat with a look on his face I will never forget. We have been doing so good. I've tried not to say "Daddy" around him, (you know how his ear perk up when you say that!) or take him near our street our our house. I haven't brought him to our house since the day we found you. It's not that I want him to forget about you, it's just that I don't want to confuse him anymore than he already is. This whole thing has been so stressful on both of us. Anyway, when we drove away, he kept looking back, then at me, then back at the house, as if to say, "Wait, where are you going? What about Daddy? That's OUR house!" I shouldn't have brought him with us in the car, I don't know what I was thinking. I feel like I scarred him. I'm so sorry babe. I didn't mean to. I don't know what he thinks, but I'm sure he has a pretty good idea that Daddy isn't here anymore. He misses you so much. We both do.

Love Always,
Your Babygirl~
and Max Bug


you & Max on the boat on Lake Travis in Austin. what a fun day that was! remember how bad Max had to pee when we got off the boat? I still laugh about that!

5 weeks

Dear Eric,

Today marks 5 weeks you have been gone. I still don't believe it. I sold your truck yesterday. I did it all on my own. I know you've bought and sold lots of cars and motorcycles on craigslist and ebay, but the escalade was my first, and I did it by myself. You would be proud of me. While I am enjoying the satisfaction of feeling independent, I also feel like I am starting to alienate myself from people, because they just don't get it. I want and need people, but at the same time, I don't. It's hard to explain. So when I tell them I'm fine, I don't need anything, I really do. It's like I want them to just "know" I need them and just show up anyway. I love my friends, but right now everyone is pissing me off. Whenever I would complain about my friends, you would always tell me, "Fuck them, you don't need them anyway, we have each other babe." Now you aren't here and I feel so unbearably lonely. This weekend I learned the lesson of being independent vs not being able to depend on others for help when I need it. I know I told you I needed to grow, to learn to become independent again, but not at this cost. I needed you then. I still need you now.

All of these things I'm going through, the pain, the hurt, the anguish, the sorrow.. all of this would go away with one hug and a smile from you. But you are gone now and you are never coming back. I will never look into your eyes, see your smile, or touch your sun-kissed skin ever again.

Max misses you too. He cries sometimes at night. And even when I am silently crying myself to sleep, he somehow knows, and jumps on the bed and cuddles up next to me, in the spot on the bed where he used to sleep in between us.

I can't put into words how sorry I am. I never should have left for Las Vegas that weekend. I should have stayed. You would probably still be alive if I would have chosen differently. I will forever carry the guilt of not recognizing how much you needed me. I always wished I could take the burden of the stress you constantly carried, and carry it myself, if even for a day. Instead, I let you bear the entire load and lived my life carefree and without stress. I never realized how much you were dealing with until you were gone. Baby, you don't have to worry anymore. I got this now.

Love Always,
Your Babygirl~


our perfect little family