It's been awhile since I've written. I've been keeping myself pretty busy. I was in Las Vegas for six weeks hanging out and planning Desi's baby shower. It was a huge success. I was having a hard time feeling creative but once I got the ball rolling, the ideas kept flowing. It was hands down the best party I've ever thrown, with the exception of your surprise 40th birthday party.
Last weekend was Labor Day Weekend and I invited Jake & Lindsey and the kids and a few other friends to my mom's place for a beach day and barbecue. We had a great time but, like always, I kept thinking how much I wished you were there. I always feel your presence though. Also over the weekend there were some fires in Steiner Ranch. 25 homes less than a mile from our house were destroyed in the fire, and another 20 were damaged. I just wanted to tell you so bad. I hate that I can't pick up the phone, or walk into the next room and see you. I think about your touch, your smile, your hugs, your laugh. Its killing me inside. Everyone says, "your'e so strong." And I just think to myself, "Yeah- on the outside. On the inside I'm falling the fuck apart."
This week I started working again. I've been going in & helping Matt at his warehouse. I need the money, but I don't know how much longer I can continue working there. Its hard being there, in the place you helped build, in the place we used to work at together. It just brings back so many memories. Not that the memories aren't good, its just hard and I kind of feel like a fresh start might be better suited for me right now. Theres a few new people working there, one of them is this girl Stephanie who is really cool and super nice. She had no idea who I was, who you are, or what my story is. But she said she picks up on people's energy really quickly and that my energy was "solemn and reserved." She also said that she sensed that I also have a good energy around me, that maybe I have a guardian angel. How did she know that?! I like her. As you know, I pick up on people's energy and vibes right away too. You always told me, if you have a feeling about someone or something, it always turns out to be true, and that I needed to speak up because you were always so quick to trust people who weren't deserving. I hated hearing that my energy is solemn. I HATE it. I know I put it out there, and that I basically have no control over it. I feel like my energy is usually positive, uplifting, and peaceful. I don't want to be the Debbie Downer in the room. I know those types of people are so draining to be around. How can I get out of this funk? Its true though, I must admit, I have been feeling depressed lately. I still feel sad about your death. I will never NOT feel sad about it. But at some times, its easier to talk about and accept. And at other times, I just can NOT comprehend it AT ALL. Sometimes I see someone that looks like you, and I have to fight the urge to call your name. I still feel like one day I will run into you while I'm at the grocery store, or out walking Max. We walked down our old street the other day. We walked on the opposite side of the house, and I don't think Max recognized it. I ran into Steve, our old neighbor on Sunday on Main Street. He had to put Betcher down, his German Shepard. He was so old and weak. Makes me sad. He got a new all-black German Shepard thats so sweet though. He asked how I was, and told me to keep smiling. What a great neighbor he was. Speaking of neighbors, I have been hanging out with this girl Amanda, and her boyfriend Joseph quite a bit. They live across the street from my mom's. I always think about how great you & him would get along. He's a Steeler's fan too! They watch UFC and they love Joe Rogan, sports, and music. It just makes me so sad that I am making all these great new memories without you. I know that you want me to be happy and live my life to the fullest, so that's what I'm trying to do. I even started a bucket list. You never made a bucket list, but I'm pretty sure you did most of the things you wanted to do. Because if you wanted something, you did it! No matter what anyone says! Hey, I was thinking about spreading some of your ashes in Brazil, how would you feel about that? It looks so beautiful there, and I don't know why, but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Let me know, k?
Love and miss you.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
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