can't stop thinking about you

Dear Eric,

I can't stop thinking about you today. You are the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. At first, you were the only thing I could think about, but lately I find myself more occupied and while you frequent my thoughts often, I don't spend nearly as many days with my thoughts entirely consumed of only you. Today, though, was one of those days I just couldn't get you out of my head.

Being let down, and disappointment, is probably one of the WORST feelings in the world. And lately, I've been feeling it alot. You were the only person I could ever count on. You never disappointed me. In fact, you were the one who always made me feel better when other people let me down. Today, not a single person called or text me that I didn't initiate the conversation. Is that how my life is going to be? Am I always going to have to be the one to make plans, or start a conversation? I have been feeling "rejected" and let down by many of my so-called friends. Sure, sometimes being alone is nice, but not always. I would like the option at least. Most of my friends have their husband or boyfriend to hang out with and do nothing with on a Saturday night. Not me. Its just me & Max. At least I have him. We take a LOT of long walks these days. Not much else to do when no one else is around.

Earlier today I was looking at Father's Day cards for my dad when I stumbled upon the exact card I got for you from Max last year. The one with the dog on it that looks just like Max with a blue bow tie on it. It made me tear up and I had to leave immediately. These are the little things I miss, and will continue to miss. The silliness of Max giving you a Father's Day card. Even though you are his daddy. We raised him as our son, we even called him "the baby," not the dog. We raised him from a puppy with the intentions of, "if we can keep him alive and well, we might do okay as parents." Well, that will never happen now. All of these overwhelming emotions, with just the very sight of one silly card. The dog with the bow tie.

In exactly two weeks, I am going to Austin. It seemed like a good idea at the time, when I booked my tickets. I was in a great mood and being spontaneous, but now I'm not so sure. Austin was, and will always be a very special place for me. But now I realize all the things that made it so special for me are all directly tied to you. We got engaged on the lake. Austin is where we bought our first home together and spent the first years of our marriage. The people we met there became our family, and sad as it is to say, I don't know if I will feel the same way with you not there. I never thought I would be making a trip to Austin without you. Austin was never even on my radar, it was YOU who found it, and made our dreams a reality. All of my fondest memories there are with YOU. Now I am sitting here thinking to myself, "why would I think it was a good idea to go back there... without him?" I have been thinking about scattering some of your ashes on Lake Austin, where we pretty much spend 90% of our time. You used to talk about how much you LOVED that lake. I loved watching you wakeboard. You never ceased to amaze me with your natural athletic ability and I loved that so much about you. Now I feel like that lake will never be the same for me again. Your wedding ring is on the bottom of that lake. I know you loved Austin and especially Lake Austin, but I don't know if you would want your ashes there. We never really talked about this stuff.

I just don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know if I will ever really get any "closure" -- whatever that means. I have so many unanswered questions, thoughts and dreams that are quite disturbing. When will this stop? When will I find some peace? Am I going to be okay? Help me out babe. I know you are listening.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


Lake Austin, Summer 2009



Wakesurfing Lake Austin, Summer 2009



Always on a boat. On the lake.