I would rather have a husband

Dear Eric,

It's been awhile since I've written. I've been trying to keep myself busy and stay occupied. I was in Vegas for a couple weeks and I went to Florida to see Gram for a week. She is really declining babe. She has nurses that do 99% of her cooking & cleaning and she barely gets out of the house these days. She can't walk. She forgets stuff now. I remember how you used to describe her to people-- you used to talk about how usually when people age, their mind is the first to go, but that in Marie's case, her body is crumbling but her mind is still sharp as a tack. Not anymore. She asks me the same questions and repeats the same stories, and can't even remember what we had for lunch. Its sad. I remember always thinking how strong she is. Its been over 12 years since Grandpa died, and even before I lost my own husband, I remember thinking I could never fathom having lost someone whom you had loved for over 50 years. I truly believe that Gram & Grandpa had that special, unique, rare, once-in-a-lifetime type of love. Not everyone has that. We did. We definitely did. I never thought it possible to love someone as much as I love you. Most of my time in Florida, I was sick. I felt physically ill. Body aches, sore throat, sneezing, etc. Most of the trip I laid on the couch with Gram and watched TV. My sister is convinced I am "depressed." I am definitely SAD. Possibly depressed, but I wouldn't say I have "depression." I think mostly that being there was so bittersweet this time. While it was so great to see Gram & Aunt Anna and spend some time at the beach actually swimming in the ocean, I kept wanting to call you and tell you about my day, and kept having to stop myself. I would lay in bed and cry at night, every single night. I don't know why THAT week, of all weeks was such a bad one. I just missed having you there. I miss you every day.

After Florida, we flew back into Vegas and I stayed there for Memorial Day. Partied my ass off all weekend, slept all week, and drove back to Cali today. When I got home I got the letter from the coroner's office stating your cause of death. Acute polydrug intoxication. Its not the actual toxicology report, but from what this letter says, they make it sound like it was an accidental overdose which is what I had always thought from the beginning. I know you would never intentionally leave me & Max here to figure things out on our own. I know you would never want to see me in such pain. And not only that, but you promised you would never hurt yourself on purpose. I believed you then. I believe you still. But it almost makes it worse now. Like you didn't mean for this to happen. So now the anger is gone and I'm even more sad because this was an accident and it wasn't supposed to go down like this.

I'm so sorry babe. I should have been there. I know I keep saying it, but I will always have regret for not being there. I had no idea how much medication you were taking, or what you were taking in the first place. If I had been there none of this would have happened.

People keep saying I am lucky, that I have a guardian angel for life now. But I would still rather have a husband.

Miss you so much it hurts.

Love Always,
your babygirl~


You having a quiet moment, enjoying the serenity of Gram's backyard in Florida~