5 weeks

Dear Eric,

Today marks 5 weeks you have been gone. I still don't believe it. I sold your truck yesterday. I did it all on my own. I know you've bought and sold lots of cars and motorcycles on craigslist and ebay, but the escalade was my first, and I did it by myself. You would be proud of me. While I am enjoying the satisfaction of feeling independent, I also feel like I am starting to alienate myself from people, because they just don't get it. I want and need people, but at the same time, I don't. It's hard to explain. So when I tell them I'm fine, I don't need anything, I really do. It's like I want them to just "know" I need them and just show up anyway. I love my friends, but right now everyone is pissing me off. Whenever I would complain about my friends, you would always tell me, "Fuck them, you don't need them anyway, we have each other babe." Now you aren't here and I feel so unbearably lonely. This weekend I learned the lesson of being independent vs not being able to depend on others for help when I need it. I know I told you I needed to grow, to learn to become independent again, but not at this cost. I needed you then. I still need you now.

All of these things I'm going through, the pain, the hurt, the anguish, the sorrow.. all of this would go away with one hug and a smile from you. But you are gone now and you are never coming back. I will never look into your eyes, see your smile, or touch your sun-kissed skin ever again.

Max misses you too. He cries sometimes at night. And even when I am silently crying myself to sleep, he somehow knows, and jumps on the bed and cuddles up next to me, in the spot on the bed where he used to sleep in between us.

I can't put into words how sorry I am. I never should have left for Las Vegas that weekend. I should have stayed. You would probably still be alive if I would have chosen differently. I will forever carry the guilt of not recognizing how much you needed me. I always wished I could take the burden of the stress you constantly carried, and carry it myself, if even for a day. Instead, I let you bear the entire load and lived my life carefree and without stress. I never realized how much you were dealing with until you were gone. Baby, you don't have to worry anymore. I got this now.

Love Always,
Your Babygirl~


our perfect little family