So everything has come to a screeching halt. The phone calls, the emails, the texts, the facebook messages. My phone is completely quiet. It seems like everyone else has already moved on and gotten back into their normal groove and forgotten that I am still here, left alone, and no longer have a normal groove. My "normal" ended the day you died and now I have to start over and completely rebuild my life from scratch. I no longer know what my purpose is here on Earth and I have no idea where to start. I am so damn lonely.
A few people have asked me, "How are you?" I have no idea how to respond to that. I am fucked up. I have a deep wound, a huge cut, a hole in my heart that will NEVER go away or heal. There will always be a scar. But for everyone else, life goes on. Its not fair. Its frustrating to see everyone go on as usual, at such a fast pace, while time is literally standing still for me, even though the days are passing. The just have no clue.
I think I have scared everybody off. When people ask how I'm doing, I assume they really want to know, so I tell them. And then they're probably thinking something like, "Geez sorry I asked," or something along those lines. I am not the same "Lane" I used to be. I really feel that way. I truly believe a part of me died with you that day and I will never be the same. When I look at recent pictures of myself, I don't even recognize myself. While I may have a (fake, forced) smile on my face, I look completely dead behind the eyes. I have become a loner, a total pessimist, and a complete Debbie Downer. No wonder no one wants to talk to me or hang out with me.
No one understands the grief I am going through. Everyone wants to compare my loss to the loss of their brother, their grandma, or their dog. Those are all painful losses, but I'm sorry, its not the same. Losing the person with whom you were so close with, shared every secret with, were intimate with, lived with and shared a bed with is a much different, unique and devastating loss. Most people our age can not understand or even try to understand. The mind will just not voluntarily let you imagine such horrific pain. I know its awful to say, but I wish they all could walk in my shoes for ONE DAY so they could feel what I feel, so they wouldn't try to minimize what I am going through. People say things like, "You need to be strong." If there is ever a time when I permitted to be weak, THIS IS IT! Or they will say "You need to get over it and move on, he wants you to be happy." I will NEVER "get over it," - I will learn to live with this and eventually, time will dull the pain, but it will never go away. I do believe you would want me to be happy, and if you saw the front I put on every day to my friends and family to make them believe I am okay, while I sit alone in my bedroom at night crying and praying, kicking and screaming into pillows, you would be upset with me. I do know you want me to be happy. At this point, "happy" does not fit into my vocabulary.
Yes, Pity, party of one, your table is ready.
It's still not fair. I hate life without you. Why did it have to end this way?
Love Always,
your babygirl~
Beautiful Layne~ I think you're right, most people out age can't fathom the depth of the pain you are feeling. I think losing your spouse must be the second worst thing that can happen to a young family, second only to the loss of a child, because no one should have to bury their children. We've all heard the saying. Well, no one should have to face the death of their love, their partner, their nearly EVERYTHING either. I hope you know that there are still lots of us out here, caring for you, ready to spend time with you even if you need to be sad the whole time - please cut yourself a break and don't worry about being judged. Eff anyone who wants to tell you how to grieve. Grief is like snowflakes, and it's never, ever the same. But my love - come closer to the monitor - you are NOT alone, and we won't ever let you be.
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