Today was a pretty sad/bad/lonely day. Since I have lived with you for over six years, I would like to think I understood what you were going through with your depression and bipolar, but I guess I didn't understand it enough. I know that you suffered a lot. The demons you battled daily. The uncontrollable, racing thoughts. The sleepless nights. The physical pain. The hopelessness, fear, and anxiety. You once said to me that you had days that literally felt like one big panic attack. While I could see the pain in your eyes and sympathize with you and try to listen and understand, I never walked a day in your shoes, so I could never really FULLY comprehend what you had to live with. I'm glad you aren't suffering anymore.
That being said, now I'm the one suffering. Now I'm the one with the battle. The fight that is life. Finding the energy to get up each day, to breathe sometimes. This is my daily existence. I know you want me to be happy and find the joy that is life, but I find it damn near IMPOSSIBLE to even get out of bed some days. Let alone shower, shave my legs, cook, or clean. Thank God for Max, he has been my saving grace through all of this. He jumps on the bed and licks my face and tells me, "Mama, can we go for a walk please?"
I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I'm just grieving. Possibly a little PTSD in there too somewhere. I have racing thoughts at night, vivid recollections of that horrible day I found you, and I go over every detail in my mind about what could have happened. I drive myself crazy with my own thoughts. I stay up all night, because even though my body is exhausted, my mind is racing. I am a widow. That word is only supposed to be for old people. I'm too young to be a widow!!! My entire world has been turned upside down. I don't have a "normal" anymore. My therapist is helping me try to find a "new normal" but I don't want new! I want YOU! I want our old life back! I would give anything babe. But what gives me solace is knowing you aren't sad anymore. Your depression is gone. No more ups & downs and no more pain!
Your pain and suffering is now mine, and I gladly accept it, because I know I will get through this. I only wish I could have taken some of the stress off your back a little sooner, so you didn't have to live with it for so long. Perhaps if you'd have shared the burden a little sooner, you would still be here and I wouldn't have to write you these letters.
Missing you every minute of every day.
Love Always,
your babygirl~
I miss this smile~
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