I hate that you aren't here

Dear Eric,

I have tried over the last few weeks to be positive and optimistic about this situation and about my future without you. Its really hard though. Its hard to put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy when really, I just want to lay in bed and cry all day, and on some days, I wish I was dead too. I hate life without you.

I hate that I have no one to come home to.
I hate that I have no one to talk to.
I hate that people have chosen to pull away from me, rather than reach out and try to help.
I hate that I feel like I'm going though this alone.
I hate that no one understands.
I hate that Max doesn't have his daddy anymore.
I hate feeling like a miserable, lonely old widow.
I hate the word "widow."
I hate that, because I'm always so down, no one wants to talk to me.
I hate that your mom lost her only son and I have no words to console or comfort her.
I hate that my sister's baby will never know you.
I hate that all of our plans for the future are gone.
I hate not being able to see you, hear your laugh, or feel your touch.
I hate that everyone else gets to go back to their normal routine, and I no longer have a "normal"
I hate that I have to start over completely. I am scared shitless.
I hate that I can't sleep at night. Or during the day. Or at all.
I hate that I've lost so much weight, none of my clothes fit me anymore.
I hate that the last time I saw you, you were dead.
I hate that I feel like its somehow my fault you are gone.
I hate that I feel like I am never going to be the same.
I hate that I have lost my spark and the passion for just about everything I used to do and love.
I hate that my circle is getting smaller.
I hate that I have to move back to Las Vegas. Alone. Without you.
I hate answering the phone.
I hate wondering what was going through your mind when you laid down on the couch that last time.
I hate feeling scared all the time.
I hate not getting texts or calls from you anymore.
I hate that I have to eventually disconnect your phone and someone else will get the phone number you've had for 16 years.
I hate eating.
I hate drinking.
I hate taking Max for walks alone.
I hate Sundays.
I hate having to sell things that were yours.
I hate that I can't listen to Jack Johnson without crying.
I hate that I am so scatter-brained these days. I can't seem to get it together.
I hate that you had to die alone.
I hate everything I do, everywhere I go, reminds me of you and makes me want to cry.
I hate talking about you in the past-tense.
I HATE THAT YOU AREN'T HERE.

Love Always,
your babygirl~